A New.... well I don't know.....

I committed to myself when I started this blog to be real. You've read the good the bad the ugly all of it. Somehow I have realized that I have stopped blogging the ugly. Somehow thinking that by doing so I would be betraying the Lord and his grace. That if I admitted that there are days (like today) when I am a mess, it would mean that the freedom I have experienced was a lie. And if that freedom was a lie based on an emotional state of being at the time, I would be, by default, lying to those of you who read this. I see now, that that is absolutely ridiculous. There are days, like today when I just don't know if I can handle taking another breath because the action of breathing is so painful. But that doesn't mean I am not free. I have been waiting to "feel better" to post another blog. Waiting for my breakthrough. Worrying about me. Thinking only of me. Then I suddenly realized that through my blog, God provides breakthrough, but not just for me, for those to whom He chooses to speak through my words. If I am not blogging everything, I am not allowing Him to do what He designed this blog for; give validation and hope to those who are suffering so immensly that they cannot see God in it and on the other side of it. Hope and healing only come through transparency. The Word says that we are strengthened by each other's testimony. I looked up the word testimony. One of the definitions is "acknowledgment of fact". So here we go guys, the facts about this process as they are right now for me. The fact is that right now I am typing through tears running so quickly down my face, I can barely see the computer screen. I hurt right now. I ache for my son. I miss him. I am devastated by his loss. The grief is so thick right now, I really can't imagine that things will ever be any different. I am so desperate for relief, for validation, for someone to come alongside me and tell me what to do next. I need proof that things will not always be this way. I need a bouy. I need for this mountain to move. The Word says that we are pressed but not crushed and I fully believe that. I think it important though for me as believer to be real and admit that this pressing is brutally painful right now. I've heard some call this feeling a wilderness experience. The Isrealites on the way to Canaan, became frightened and wanted to turn back so badly they fashioned an Egyptian god and began to worship it. i know what that temptation is like now. Mine may not look like a golden calf, but I am frustrated because right now I feel like I want to run and hide in the familiar things, but I am too free to do so. I know too much. Even still the temptation to do all of things will ultimately bring destruction is strong. I know that God is leading me, but I am scared. I am scared I am scared I am scared. I, at this moment, like the Israelites, just want to get to whatever it is God has promised, or turn around and run the other direction. Anything other than having this grief roar at me like this. I am angry that I cannot just be in the promised land. I am hurting so badly right now that I am finding it so very hard to be happy for all of the joy my friends are experiencing in their lives. And I mad at myself because of that. I am fighting the urge to isolate myself and push every who loves me and everyone whom I love away from me. Just to silence the roar. Anything to silence the roar and not have to face this process. I am angry that this is part of the process. That I just have to accept this, for a season. I don't want to accept it, I want it to be over. I want to pretend like it doesn't exist. God has said that there is much to be learned and many many breathroughs in the wilderness, but it is so painful here right now. And expansive. It seems to just go on forever and ever. I miss my son. I know where he is and how happy he is, so I do not wish him back like I used to, but I miss him. My dear God in heaven, I miss him. And it hurts.