A New Strategy

Well, I'm not sure exactly what tonight's blog is about. I do know that I feel the need to do so, so please be patient as I wait on the Lord....

It has been a rough day in a very glorious sort of way. Today I have learned that when things are ugly and confusing and chaotic and we feel that the enemy is throwing a carnival of horrors right in the middle of our life, he is actually at his weakest... Now, I don't want to try to make any kind of new doctrine, and I definitely don't want to speak against the Word, but I feel like the Lord showed me something today. The Word reminds us again and again that we have power of the enemy. That we have the ability to control our thoughts and more importantly our emotions. But what happens when the the stuff hits the fan? Our emotions get going and we become agitated, depressed, sad, etc... then our thought life is affected and then we are a mess. And I don't know about you guys, but for me it always seems as if its right after some huge victory or just before a major breakthrough or even just as simple as life has finally settled down. I have heard it said that it is that way because Satan is angry that we are becoming more and more free with each victory or breakthrough. I don't doubt that... But today the Lord showed me something else. What if the enemy's carnivals are really him throwing a temper tantrum and if I could get my emotions and thoughts under control I can take a look around and see many of the very specific weapons he is currently using against me?  I could see his battle plan all laid out, right there in front of me. You see, as I look back over the last few weeks, I have realized that he has completely over-played his hand. Now that I am doing my best everyday to hang on to this new viewpoint and staying out of emotional torture and unpredictability, I can more clearly see him and his weapons for
exactly what they are. Most of them I can call by name; some well known, some not so much... depression, confusion, rage, anger, hatred, betrayal, disloyalty, arrogance, pride, chaos, laziness, disgust, self pity, sadness, madness (as in the crazy in the head kind), exhaustion, blame, witchcraft (which I have learned a truckload about in the last few days, and its not only what we typically think of when we hear that word), poverty (which has less to do with money and more to do to with a state of mind), hysteria, mistrust, nagging, etc. I am sure there are more, but those are the ones that the Lord has directed me to call out right now. You see if I stay in a hysterical emotional state while the enemy throws his party and rides his rides, I am so focused on how I feel, I miss out on seeing his battle plan. I think that is why it is so crucial to take captive each thought and to harness each emotion and hold it up to the Word. Now, once again please don't misundertand, I'm not saying that its easy. And I do believe that grief (for a time) and most other emotions are seasons completely ordained by God. What I believe my challenge is right now is to learn the weapons while Satan is so exposed.
I mean think about it... If you are in a paintball fight, isn't much easier to win if you know the opposing teams strategy? If you could somehow get in the back of the huddle without anyone seeing you, kicking their tush would be a breeze. You could find out which player is strongest at which point, which weapons they are using, who is covering who, etc. You could also run around pulling the trigger 1000 times, but never hit one person because you're so blinded about your own excitement and adrenaline that you can't see whats right in front of you. Then boom... one hit and your out.
Now I realize in paintball the strategy of the opposing team is a well kept secret, but folks, I'm here to tell you that Satan's not that smart. He is not omnipotent or omniscient. He knows as much about what is going to happen tomorrow as I do, maybe even less. In the middle of a mess, he expects me to get all emotional and flustered and what have you, so thats what he is looking for; me running around pulling the emotional trigger 1000 times. But if I choose to remain calm and focused and go in the back way (act in the exact opposite of the what he's expecting), I confuse him. I can then see behind all the smoke and mirrors, see his strategy and TAKE HIM OUT...
As I said, I am not looking to make new doctrine and if I spoken against the Word of God, I beg of you, please correct me. This was just something cool I am sure the Lord taught me today....
Well, its late, and I need some sleep... Til next time, be blessed...

Be Still and Know

Last night I had the most wonderful opportunity to go out with a couple of the most wonderful women you will ever meet. We went to see Eat Pray Love. Well, I thought we were just going out for some good laughs, and although there were lots and lots of those, there was something else too. You see, I believe that the Lord can and will use anything He wants to teach us and bring us closer to Him. That was how He used the almost total stranger the other night and I believe that that is how He used our adventures last night as well. Before the movie we went to a restaurant just to spend some time chatting. One of my dear friends opened up about what an awful week she'd had and how much she really needed some time with us. We sat and talked and cried together and laughed our faces off too. In that moment I realized, this is what the Lord means by fellowship... He wants us to enjoy the presence of each other. He wants us to just sit together and open up our hearts to one another. We don't always have to be in deep theological conversation or all "Sister Spiritual". We can just sit and talk about our day, letting the tears and laughter flow, helping one another by just being there.
So, we get to the movie theatre, still giggling like crazy and the movie begins. Immediately, I connected with the movie. It was like the Lord was showing me my life. In the beginning Julia Robert's character says something like "I had participated in creating every single moment of my life, and yet I'm not really in it." I thought, "Okay, Lord. I am finally listening." For the next two and a half hours I watched as my life unfolded on the screen. Well, I've never been to Bali or Rome or any other fabulous country; but I have been on a quest to find out how exactly I made it to this point. Passionless, hopeless, wanting something to just take my breath away and wanting learn how to marvel at anything and everything the Lord has created. 
(Now many of you may say, "Amy, the last few months have been hard, so cut yourself some slack..." Friends, I have been this way for a very long time. I am just very good at hiding it.) All this time, I have just accepted that this is just how life is, and I have lived it accordingly. Since the Ike's passing though, I have realized that living this way is no longer an option.
Anyhow, back to the movie... As this woman goes on about her journey, I see each wrong turn I have taken. Each time I have allowed what was just mediocre to be acceptable. How I have sacrificed what may be something that brings joy and laughter to my life for the familiar that is keeping me stifled. So many times, I refused what the Lord was trying to give me out of the fear of the unknown. I have lived life on others' terms, always looking for the next thing to prove that I am worthy... But, I have never just been still. I have never just been quiet. I have never just given myself the opportunity to be Amy. More importantly, I have never given the Lord the opportunity to just be Him. I have never just worshipped Him for who He is and how much He loves me. I realize that now. I have mistaken ambition and constantly moving forward for doing His work. But the word says, "Be STILL and KNOW that I AM God." Everything else must stem from that.
I am not sure if any of this makes sense, and I realize I may be rambling, but as I've said before, there ya have it...       

A New Point of View

Last night I was given some very good advice. As many of you know the last few weeks have just been unbearable. Out of desperation for relief I followed the Lord and approached a virtual total stranger. I began to tell them what happened and how I have been feeling what must be very very close to emotional torture. This person asked me if I thought my feelings were of God. It took me a minute to catch on to what they meant, but then I realized; my feelings were not. God is peace and joy and love and everything other wonderful thing we can imagine. His Word says that we can experience those feelings in ANY circumstance. So then I said, "but you don't get it, my son was taken from me". And very firmly this person looked me in the eye and said, "My friend, you don't get it. You can turn this around. You feel your son has been taken from you, and I'm not saying that those feelings don't make sense. What I am saying is that you can now choose to let him go. There is not one thing in this life that can be taken from you if you choose to let it go." They also reminded me that Ike is with Jesus. As a mother, we all want the best for our children.Well, what could be better than skipping rocks with Jesus in heaven? He will never know the heartaches of this world. He will never know pain or dissapointment. He will only know peace and love and joy and most of all, he knows the Savior, up close and personal. As his mother, what more could I ask for? They said that now, I have a choice to make. I can hold onto this emotional torture and cry everyday all day. I can be totally self-centered and full of my pain. And rightfully so. But will that bring Ike back? Will it help my surviving children? They pointed out that there is nothing I can do about what happened two and a half months ago. But I can do something about right now. I can choose to let my son go for a time. I can sow him to the Lord. And I can expect a king size knock my socks off harvest. When I do that it no longer becomes about what I lost, but about what we are gaining; about what Ike has already gained. Suddenly, there are options. The tiny box of grief goes away, and the world is at my feet. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this switch of point of view is easy. But frankly, nothing about this is easy. The way I've been going had left me crippled and ineffective, so why not try this new way and see how it works? It can't be any worse than the old way.

So, my sweet sweet Ike... I choose to let you go until we are joined again in heaven. I send you on your way my love and rejoice in the fact that you are skipping rocks with Jesus. I will miss you and am looking forward to seeing you again, but until then (and even then) I am giving you back to Him. I love you, son.
And Lord, I repent. I choose to let go of the pain and the sorrow. I choose to walk out of this box and into this new life. And I expect a harvest, Lord. A harvest unlike anything I can even think to ask. That is what You have said in your Word, and I am counting on that, Lord. I am believing You and holding You to your promises. And when I am tempted to look back, keep me focused Lord. Remind me of who You are and who I am in You. In Jesus Name.     

Another day is this strange land

Well, it is official... My butt is kicked. I am tired and weak and at this point really feeling like I have had the crap kicked out of me. I am clinging to the Word... "For I know the plans I have for you, for hope and a future." (paraphrased); "I am more than a conqueror through Christ that gives me strength."; "The Lord will fight for you and you shall keep your peace."

Well, it seems this post is going to take a very different turn... In my last post, I asked the question, which at the time I thought was rhetorical, "How did this become my life?". I have come to realize that altho' I thought I was just venting, maybe that question is truly THE question that I need to answer... How did this become my life? Well, folks, the ugly truth is, I let it. Of course, losing Ike was something I had no control over, but everything else that I have faced in my adult life are a culmination of a lot of really bad choices that I have made. I have been saying "well, if so and so would do such and such, then I would not do this or that." I have been lying to myself. The truth is, I have been using the betrayal that I've felt from others as a get out of jail free card for my own poor choices and bad behavior. I have been justifying my unwillingness to let those who love me really and truly be there for me. I have expected certain people to never let me down. And when they do, I let myself become a victim to their stuff. I have blamed and shamed and pointed fingers, always blind to the three that have been pointing back at me all along. I have given my power away.

Hmmm... this is not an easy thing to admit in a public forum, but I feel the Lord has called me to this blog "for such a time as this". So, here it is y'all. The good the bad and the ugly. Now I must go into my "secret closet" and let the Lord fill the empty place that this admission has left. Until next time... Blessings, my friends.

Trying out this blog thing

Well, I have decided to jump on the blog bandwagon and see where it takes me. The reason I have started blogging, you ask... Well, I guess it all started 2 months and one week ago when I found my two month old baby boy dead in his crib while my husband was out of town. I am now faced with living life without the absolute bliss of shock and figuring out how to be normal in the most abnormal of circumstances. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me and am careful about using up too many people's time repeating myself over and over. So, blogging it is. I must get this out and it looks like I must say the same things out loud a lot, so we will see if blogging helps. As each day goes by I try harder and harder to find the light, but seem to only find more confusion and despair. Those who know me, know that I have a deep and intense love for God. I say that because at this moment I want to acknowledge that just because I may not be able to find Him, I do know He is there. Right now tho, I seem to be struggling with depression and despair. I am told that it is part of the process and that it will pass, but I want it to pass now. I am not someone who operates well like this. I have thought many many times and especially in the last few days that this cannot possibly be my life now. How did it get here? Why did it come to this? Nothing eases the pain, in fact even breathing serves only to intesify it. How did this become my life? How did this become my life? I don't understand it. I am 28 years old. I'm in the prime of my life right now... This should be a time of celebrations and discovering the real me and raising my children and meeting all kinds of amazing people... Thats is what I should be doing now. Not mourning the loss of a perfectly healthy baby boy. I just keep thinking... "I put him to bed healthy". I know I did. His pediatrician was amazed by his growth (Ike's backstory will just have to wait for another post). June 6 he was a literally bouncing baby boy who was so proud of himself because he could "jump" on my lap. He was cooing and laughing and dare I say winking at me... At two months old he was doing these things. Now he's gone. June 7 I woke up to begin a new life in the worst of nightmares.... How did this happen? Not even the medical examiner knows what happened to him. Its been ruled a SIDS case... So there was nothing in his body that was awry... We didn't miss some secret illness... He just died. How can that be? Oh God, please tell me... How can that be? And now, i am trapped in this box of grief. This tiny tiny box of grief. It is suffocating sometimes. I miss my baby. I want to hold him. I want to see that sweet little wink. I want to smell his hair. I want to hear his sweet little cooes and watch his face go from a look of absolute determination as he prepares to "jumpy jumpy" to one of complete joy once he completes his feat. I didn't know pain like this existed... It is constant and there is never a reprieve. Not even the slightest of dull ache moments. Just pain and pain and pain. I look at my surviving children and think about how much I am failing them because I cannot get myself together. They deserve a whole person and I really want the to be that for them... but the pain cuts me in half. I am looking forward to the acceptance even phase even tho it feels right now like I will never get there. I am looking forward to a happy life. People promise me that there is one after somethng like this... I can't see it, but I will believe them until I can....