So, I've been having a particularly rough day and could not figure out why my emotions have been so tender all day. Then I realized, on this day last year, when he was 5 days old, I held Ike for the first time. Isn't funny how the body remembers things that the mind doesn't right off the bat? I mean about an hour after I woke up this morning, I have been fighting off waves of anger and sadness and it never crossed my mind what this day was for me. I am coming to find out that it is possible to experience many different emotions all at once and NOT explode. there are so many new possibilities in my life right now and in the lives of my family. I could not be more excited about our future than I am right now. Which is why, at first, I could not put my finger on why I was having these waves hit me so hard today. As I'm blogging I'm realizing that I am also so very sad (and angry, to be honest) that after everything we went through to get him here, he is not here now. I think about how I longed to hold him for the first four days of his life and then how much hope and promise we had for him and how I long to hold him now. Then I think about the fact that I cannot change what has happened (besides it's only temporary) and then look at the limitless possibilities before us today. It's all very confusing and exhausting, really. And the fact that my body remembered this day and would not let me get out of letting my soul grieve is causing emotions of gratitude and frustration. Frustration because I want so badly to be "out of the cycle" but grateful because the cycle provides healing if you allow it to---well--- cycle. I'm sure you that are reading this do not find this thought process as profound as I. In fact, I am confident that if you are still reading this, you are probably scratching your head at me. I would be. I guess I am trying to sort through all of it because it is such a new concept to me; the fact that you can be sad and melancholy AND hopeful and excited all at the same time. And that neither one has any bearing on the other. The thing I'm learning is that it is all okay, as long as I let the waves come in and go out instead of come in and stay. It's not as black and white as I thought it would be. Well, as I thought it always was. I miss my son so much and am so affected by his presence and subsequent absence, that even my body knows when I need to just sit down and pay attention to myself and when I am not doing so adequately. At the same time, I am so excited about what is ahead of us that I want to get up and go after it when my self no longer needs as much attention. And it's okay if it doesn't make sense right now. At some point it will, and even if it never does, God is bigger than all of it and will use both sides of the emotinal spectrum to drive me further into my destiny.
Okay, you may now stop scratching your heads and continue with what you were doing. :)
As always, thank you for reading my words (okay, lets face it, ramblings). Be blessed <3
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
I almost began this post like this: "The month of February has not been an easy one..." Then I thought, maybe I am becoming a little redundant. So I deleted it. Thank goodness for the backspace button. It helps me keep my thoughts straight. Well, most of the time, anyhow.
It seems like most of my life I've been waiting for the magic day. The day that everything turns around and stays that way for good. It's pretty idealistic, I know. And it's taken the last few months for me to realize that that day doesn't exist. I have learned that I have what I've titled a Cinderella complex. I've also learned that for me, it doesn't mean I'm waiting on a Prince Charming. I have my man. And he's wonderful. For me the complex comes in the form of a moment. You know, the moment when the slipper fit Cinderella and her whole life changed and she lived happily ever after? Well, that's what my Cinderella complex looks like. I'm waiting for a moment. A moment that means there will never be another hard day for the rest of my life. When I can just sit back in my palace and look out of my window onto rolling green hills and a perfectly balmy 79 degree day, while ladies in waiting brushing my shimmering long hair all day. But, see here's the thing. I don't know what happened to Cinderella after she rode off into the sunset to begin the rest of her life with her wonderful man. I assume that everything was perfect, but I don't know that. And even if it was, Cinderella is a movie. A beautifully woven story. It is not life. Life is not two dementional. But it doesn't mean that all hope is lost. It doesn't mean that I have to live in fear everyday. In fact I am assured that the life in this world is hard. But I am also assured that the One in whom I reside has overcome the world. So when the world is hard, I can be confident in the fact that He has overcome, and because I am in Him, I can be confident that I have too. I wish I could give you the visual picture I have in my head right now. I will do my best to describe it. You have a paper bag. Now put an orange in it. Now without removing the orange from the bag, try to take it into another room without bringing the orange along. It's impossible, right? So, (now forgive me for comparing the Lord to a paper bag, but it is the picture in my head) I'm thinking that that is much how it works for those who are in Christ. Christ is the bag that surrounds us. He has said that He haas overcome everything, even death. Just as the orange goes where the bag goes, so do we go where He does. There is not anything that we face that we cannot overcome, because He has already overcome everything. Now, I know its very easy for me to say. But, to be honest, I was just in my room sprawled out on my bed bawling my eyes out. In fact, all of these posts are born from a moment very similar to the one I had about 20 minutes ago. What I'm learning is that I have emotions (okay, I already knew that), but those emotions can sometimes cause me to forget that I am in Him. I'm learning that the trick to all of this is to acknowledge and give validation to the emotional part of me---- after all, God created me as an emotional human being (probably one of the most emotional ones)---- but not give them more power than they really have. To feel them, but to push through them. To not let them blind me to the fact that I have overcome, even this.
I am also learning that looking for the magic day is fruitless. This is a process. There will never be a magic day. But I can still live in my palace. I may not have the ladies in waiting, or the shimmering hair or the perfectly balmy days. Honestly tho, who I am kidding? I would go stark raving mad from cabin fever and boredom. I've never been one for monotony, anyhow. The process is the fun part of life. Granted some moments are less fun than others, but it is those less fun moments that let the fun ones be SUPER fun.
And finally, who needs a glass slipper? My butterfingers would probably break it anyway. I have something better. I have the Savior. He is not fragile. He will never break or get lost under piles of clothes. I don't need two of them. So, yeah, He's wayy better than a slipper.
As always, thank you for reading. Blessings. <3
It seems like most of my life I've been waiting for the magic day. The day that everything turns around and stays that way for good. It's pretty idealistic, I know. And it's taken the last few months for me to realize that that day doesn't exist. I have learned that I have what I've titled a Cinderella complex. I've also learned that for me, it doesn't mean I'm waiting on a Prince Charming. I have my man. And he's wonderful. For me the complex comes in the form of a moment. You know, the moment when the slipper fit Cinderella and her whole life changed and she lived happily ever after? Well, that's what my Cinderella complex looks like. I'm waiting for a moment. A moment that means there will never be another hard day for the rest of my life. When I can just sit back in my palace and look out of my window onto rolling green hills and a perfectly balmy 79 degree day, while ladies in waiting brushing my shimmering long hair all day. But, see here's the thing. I don't know what happened to Cinderella after she rode off into the sunset to begin the rest of her life with her wonderful man. I assume that everything was perfect, but I don't know that. And even if it was, Cinderella is a movie. A beautifully woven story. It is not life. Life is not two dementional. But it doesn't mean that all hope is lost. It doesn't mean that I have to live in fear everyday. In fact I am assured that the life in this world is hard. But I am also assured that the One in whom I reside has overcome the world. So when the world is hard, I can be confident in the fact that He has overcome, and because I am in Him, I can be confident that I have too. I wish I could give you the visual picture I have in my head right now. I will do my best to describe it. You have a paper bag. Now put an orange in it. Now without removing the orange from the bag, try to take it into another room without bringing the orange along. It's impossible, right? So, (now forgive me for comparing the Lord to a paper bag, but it is the picture in my head) I'm thinking that that is much how it works for those who are in Christ. Christ is the bag that surrounds us. He has said that He haas overcome everything, even death. Just as the orange goes where the bag goes, so do we go where He does. There is not anything that we face that we cannot overcome, because He has already overcome everything. Now, I know its very easy for me to say. But, to be honest, I was just in my room sprawled out on my bed bawling my eyes out. In fact, all of these posts are born from a moment very similar to the one I had about 20 minutes ago. What I'm learning is that I have emotions (okay, I already knew that), but those emotions can sometimes cause me to forget that I am in Him. I'm learning that the trick to all of this is to acknowledge and give validation to the emotional part of me---- after all, God created me as an emotional human being (probably one of the most emotional ones)---- but not give them more power than they really have. To feel them, but to push through them. To not let them blind me to the fact that I have overcome, even this.
I am also learning that looking for the magic day is fruitless. This is a process. There will never be a magic day. But I can still live in my palace. I may not have the ladies in waiting, or the shimmering hair or the perfectly balmy days. Honestly tho, who I am kidding? I would go stark raving mad from cabin fever and boredom. I've never been one for monotony, anyhow. The process is the fun part of life. Granted some moments are less fun than others, but it is those less fun moments that let the fun ones be SUPER fun.
And finally, who needs a glass slipper? My butterfingers would probably break it anyway. I have something better. I have the Savior. He is not fragile. He will never break or get lost under piles of clothes. I don't need two of them. So, yeah, He's wayy better than a slipper.
As always, thank you for reading. Blessings. <3
Thursday, January 27, 2011
New Lessons
Since the passing of my son, many people have surprised me in their words and actions. For the most part people have been very supportive. Some were not right out of the gate. And then some were supportive for a little bit only then to come back and do and say some very hurtful and many times even cruel things. Why am I telling you this? For this reason: I have learned that it is very important in choosing the people who are in your inner circle of friends. And it is very easy to get caught up in all the praise and "ooh's and ahh's" of those around you. I do. Don't get me wrong, I love people. I love people so much that I want to spend my life helping and serving and setting people free of the lies of the enemy. I think the biggest reason why we hurt each other so badly is because we are hurt ourselves. In the Name of Jesus, I want God to use me to heal everyone who will allow Him and me to touch their lives in that way. But I'm learning that it is important that the right perspective is maintained. Getting too caught up in one person or in a group of people is not fruitful. It only breeds complication. The Word instructs us to guard our hearts. To not perform for the praises of man, but for the glory of God. Why is that? Why is that made so clear to us? Because humans, in all their wonderfulness and beauty, can be fickle. It is with sadness that I admit my own tendency toward "fickleness". And we are going to let each other down. Not maliciously and most of the time not even intentionally, but we are. When I get to wrapped up in what people think of me, and get let down, I take it very personally. It breaks my heart when people tell me that they can no loner have anything to do with me. I automatically begin to think that there is something wrong with me. That is not what God wants for me. He wants me to be rooted in Him, not public opinion. Public opinion changes from day to day, mistake to mistake. He does not.
Here's the other thing I am learning. The enemy uses those we love the most to hurt us. I know that because of my own insecurities and strongholds, he has used me to hurt others. I am sure that I do not even know the extent of the damage I have done to some people, albeit unwittingly, but the damage is done, nonetheless. I am learning that finding my origin, my center, my security in the Lord is really and truly the only way to stay emotionally and mentally stable. It's hard for me to do that. To focus on that. I love people so much. I love to be with others. I love to fellowship. I am a sanguine personality. The quintessential social butterfly. And being around people helps me fight off the lonliness that has come with Ike's passing. But, I am learning that no matter how hard it may be to deny my natural tendency in this area, it is vital that I do.
Finally, sometimes God calls us out of relationship with friends that we love so much. Of the things I've mentioned here, this has been the hardest. I have had to let go of some very dear friends of mine to pursue Him. Why does He do that? Well, what the Lord has shown me is my loyalty and love for those persons are actually keeping me from digging deeper in Him. From knowing Him better and from allowing Him to get into the darkest regions of my heart and heal me. Now if that is true for everyone, I do not know. All I can tell you is what He has told me.
I want feel like I should say this, if you have people in your life that say they are your friends, but are consistantly bringing you down, or you never know what to expect from them, take that to the Lord. The Lord wants His people to be joyful, secure, stable, productive individuals. He does take it personal when someone messes with us or tries to make us feel less than what we are. It is absolutely okay to draw a boundary with those who are speaking negatively about you or to you. Just because someone says you are this or that, doesn't mean you are. Many times the things that people try to call you out for really reflect how they feel about themselves. When something about you needs to be changed or worked on, the Lord will send someone into your life that will take you by the hand and lovingly walk through that change with you. If you have someone wagging their finger in your face or just wakes up and decides one day that you are no longer friends, I guarantee that is not of God and it is not God's desire that the dynamics of that relationship stay the same. Above all, listen to the still small voice within you. Don't ignore it because you afaid of what others might think of you or anything else. I am learning He really can be trusted. That He really will never ever lead you astray.
As always, thank you for reading my words. Until next time, be blessed. <3
Here's the other thing I am learning. The enemy uses those we love the most to hurt us. I know that because of my own insecurities and strongholds, he has used me to hurt others. I am sure that I do not even know the extent of the damage I have done to some people, albeit unwittingly, but the damage is done, nonetheless. I am learning that finding my origin, my center, my security in the Lord is really and truly the only way to stay emotionally and mentally stable. It's hard for me to do that. To focus on that. I love people so much. I love to be with others. I love to fellowship. I am a sanguine personality. The quintessential social butterfly. And being around people helps me fight off the lonliness that has come with Ike's passing. But, I am learning that no matter how hard it may be to deny my natural tendency in this area, it is vital that I do.
Finally, sometimes God calls us out of relationship with friends that we love so much. Of the things I've mentioned here, this has been the hardest. I have had to let go of some very dear friends of mine to pursue Him. Why does He do that? Well, what the Lord has shown me is my loyalty and love for those persons are actually keeping me from digging deeper in Him. From knowing Him better and from allowing Him to get into the darkest regions of my heart and heal me. Now if that is true for everyone, I do not know. All I can tell you is what He has told me.
I want feel like I should say this, if you have people in your life that say they are your friends, but are consistantly bringing you down, or you never know what to expect from them, take that to the Lord. The Lord wants His people to be joyful, secure, stable, productive individuals. He does take it personal when someone messes with us or tries to make us feel less than what we are. It is absolutely okay to draw a boundary with those who are speaking negatively about you or to you. Just because someone says you are this or that, doesn't mean you are. Many times the things that people try to call you out for really reflect how they feel about themselves. When something about you needs to be changed or worked on, the Lord will send someone into your life that will take you by the hand and lovingly walk through that change with you. If you have someone wagging their finger in your face or just wakes up and decides one day that you are no longer friends, I guarantee that is not of God and it is not God's desire that the dynamics of that relationship stay the same. Above all, listen to the still small voice within you. Don't ignore it because you afaid of what others might think of you or anything else. I am learning He really can be trusted. That He really will never ever lead you astray.
As always, thank you for reading my words. Until next time, be blessed. <3
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Glory Refreshed
So, over the last couple of months I have felt myself go through the despair cycle all over again. Only this time, more intense than I could have ever thought. Its an awful feeling. A feeling so consuming and frightening that desperation sets in. I can understand why people do some of the things they do after such a trauma. It is out of desperation to feel better, to get out of despair. Without the Lord guiding me (even when I thought He wasn't) I am sure that I, too, would have gone down Desperation Road. I know I was tempted several times to just give up and admit defeat. Praise be to Jesus that His hand is stronger than my will.
I prayed so often to feel better. For the Lord to give me something, anything, to hang onto. To take away the pain. To take away the doubt. To make my Scentsy business explode. To give Josh a new job. To give me a new job. A new car. To give me a reason to get myself together and be stronger. I prayed for every single new shiny thing I could think of to ignite excitement and get me motivated to happily get out of bed and look forward to the day. Now, don't misunderstand me. I love my children, all of them. Ike does not mean more to me than any of my other wonderful beautiful children. But despair like the kind that took hold of me is blinding. It is crippling. It made me forget about everything except the downward spiral I was heading into. And so I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed. Everytime some new opportunity presented itself, I got hopeful. Then it didn't happen and then I would sink further into my despair. And, as usual, it was "God, why are you doing this to me? Why can't I have what I want? I'm doing the best I can with all of this, why can't I have what I want?" Then a couple of days ago, while in my car (I call it me and God's office), I heard an answer. It came through a song that was playing on the radio. Its a new-ish song and I think its by Tenth Avenue North, but I could be wrong. It starts out "Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you if there's a God who loves you, where is he now?" Now I've listened to that song a million times, but this time I actually HEARD it. In the last part of the song it goes "Once you feel the weight of Glory, all your pain will fade to memories." It was like a lightening bolt hit me. I had never stopped and actually asked Him to show me His glory. He spoke to me and said, "You need my Glory, my love". It was that simple. I've asked for everything under the sun. For His power, for His strength, for His insight, for His grace and as I said, for every shiny new toy I could think of. But it is His Glory that eases pain like that. It is the Glory of God that enables us to have all the things (spiritual and temporal) I have listed. It is because of His Glory that we are afforded grace. And Grace gives us power and strength and wisdom and then the temporal things we love so much. It all starts with His Glory. Now, I am a Word of God person. When I discover a truth like that I go straight to the Word and make sure what I am hearing lines up with what He has already spoken. There are so many verses dedicated to the glory of God, I could not get through them all. Psalm 19:1 is a good one, but look at Isaiah (ironically, or maybe not :)) 35:1-2
The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, 2 it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God.
"The desert and the parched land will be glad, the wilderness will rejoice..."... Why? Because God will show His glory and cause it to "burst into bloom". But what makes a desertland become an oasis? What brings us to Him and revives our weary bodies? God's grace, right? Well, how does He show His grace? Through His glory. We have to know the glory that He possesses. Watching Him work things out for His glory is what draws us to Him.
This is what I have learned. Although, my prayers were earnest and heartfelt, they came from a place of fear. A place of desperation. What I needed and still need is to see His glory. And because He is a gentleman, He will not force it upon me. He was waiting for me to ask Him. Everything else stems from that. Everything stems from the Glory of God.
I don't know why I felt the need to blog this and forgive me if it sounds as if I think I've figured it out. I am not naive enough to think that I am done learning this concept. I have learned and will continue to learn that, anything I need is first found in knowing and seeing God's glory. And just the little I have seen in the last few days has eased the pain and allowed me to regain some peace.
So, Lord, my prayer is that you show me Your glory. Show me what you are all about. Help me put my earthly desires aside and look for You and Your awesome glory. Help me soak it all in and overflow with it. In Jesus Name, Amen.
I prayed so often to feel better. For the Lord to give me something, anything, to hang onto. To take away the pain. To take away the doubt. To make my Scentsy business explode. To give Josh a new job. To give me a new job. A new car. To give me a reason to get myself together and be stronger. I prayed for every single new shiny thing I could think of to ignite excitement and get me motivated to happily get out of bed and look forward to the day. Now, don't misunderstand me. I love my children, all of them. Ike does not mean more to me than any of my other wonderful beautiful children. But despair like the kind that took hold of me is blinding. It is crippling. It made me forget about everything except the downward spiral I was heading into. And so I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed. Everytime some new opportunity presented itself, I got hopeful. Then it didn't happen and then I would sink further into my despair. And, as usual, it was "God, why are you doing this to me? Why can't I have what I want? I'm doing the best I can with all of this, why can't I have what I want?" Then a couple of days ago, while in my car (I call it me and God's office), I heard an answer. It came through a song that was playing on the radio. Its a new-ish song and I think its by Tenth Avenue North, but I could be wrong. It starts out "Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you if there's a God who loves you, where is he now?" Now I've listened to that song a million times, but this time I actually HEARD it. In the last part of the song it goes "Once you feel the weight of Glory, all your pain will fade to memories." It was like a lightening bolt hit me. I had never stopped and actually asked Him to show me His glory. He spoke to me and said, "You need my Glory, my love". It was that simple. I've asked for everything under the sun. For His power, for His strength, for His insight, for His grace and as I said, for every shiny new toy I could think of. But it is His Glory that eases pain like that. It is the Glory of God that enables us to have all the things (spiritual and temporal) I have listed. It is because of His Glory that we are afforded grace. And Grace gives us power and strength and wisdom and then the temporal things we love so much. It all starts with His Glory. Now, I am a Word of God person. When I discover a truth like that I go straight to the Word and make sure what I am hearing lines up with what He has already spoken. There are so many verses dedicated to the glory of God, I could not get through them all. Psalm 19:1 is a good one, but look at Isaiah (ironically, or maybe not :)) 35:1-2
The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, 2 it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God.
"The desert and the parched land will be glad, the wilderness will rejoice..."... Why? Because God will show His glory and cause it to "burst into bloom". But what makes a desertland become an oasis? What brings us to Him and revives our weary bodies? God's grace, right? Well, how does He show His grace? Through His glory. We have to know the glory that He possesses. Watching Him work things out for His glory is what draws us to Him.
This is what I have learned. Although, my prayers were earnest and heartfelt, they came from a place of fear. A place of desperation. What I needed and still need is to see His glory. And because He is a gentleman, He will not force it upon me. He was waiting for me to ask Him. Everything else stems from that. Everything stems from the Glory of God.
I don't know why I felt the need to blog this and forgive me if it sounds as if I think I've figured it out. I am not naive enough to think that I am done learning this concept. I have learned and will continue to learn that, anything I need is first found in knowing and seeing God's glory. And just the little I have seen in the last few days has eased the pain and allowed me to regain some peace.
So, Lord, my prayer is that you show me Your glory. Show me what you are all about. Help me put my earthly desires aside and look for You and Your awesome glory. Help me soak it all in and overflow with it. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I have been very emotional today. I've just felt like laying in my bed and crying all day. I miss Ike so much right now, I don't know what else to do. In some weird way, I don't want this year to be over. Its been horrific, but I feel like with the end of 2010, I will have to accept that he is really and truly gone. I mean I've known that he is, but I have to do it again, in a different way.
I'm learning that acceptance comes in layers. Its like something like this is so big, so huge that if my brain had to comprehend it all at once, I would not be able to bear the weight and go absolutely stark raving mad, so acceptance comes a little bit at a time. It sounds silly, I know, but at least for me, that's the way it has been. I guess in some way, a still fight the acceptance. As if by doing so, I can will him back to life. I don't know. All I know is right now I miss him more than usual. That familiar scream just at the back of my throat has returned. The scream that just wants to scream at everyone and everything. The scream that thinks if it could just be loud enough all of this would dissapear like a bad dream and I would wake up and get Ike up from his nap and go on like nothing ever happened. This sucks. Its been almost 7 months, but at times it feels like yesterday. It is physical too. A physical pain that is hard to really describe. Its unlike any other physical pain that I have ever experienced. Like in school when you fell from the monkey bars onto your back and for a split second every part of your body hurt and your breathing changed its rhythm. I don't know if that makes sense, but that is what I have felt all day. I don't know. Maybe I'm just repeating myself over and over, but that's what I said I would do in my very first entry. I just want to be through this. I just want to be better, ya know? To feel this way is very hard for me. I miss Ike. I miss Ike. I miss Ike. I miss Ike. I miss Ike.I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired period. Its not pretty. This whole thing. Some say acceptance is the easiest step. I think they are lying. It is definitely the hardest. To accept that he is gone is almost unbearable. To accept that I will not wake up from this pisses me off. To accept that I sat in a hospital bed for a month, so very very sick only to find him the way I found him, frankly fills me with rage sometimes. And I'm not going to lie, to accept God's providence in the midst of all of this is hard too. I need Him to get through this is one piece. I need Him to keep me focused so that I don't lose it. But there are so many other ways I am struggling right now, that I just want to, and often have, looked up at Him and said "Really? You really want me to deal with this too? You really want me to trust that this is going to make me better? Couldn't there be a better time for this to happen, cause right now really doesn't work for me." And everytime I am tempted to give up, He reminds of His promises for those that endure. But, in an effort to be real and raw, I must confess that sometimes, like a petulant child, I cross my arms and say "I don't want to endure. Enduring is stupid." I am so glad that God knows my heart. He knows (just as I do) that I must endure. Even in times like this, when my body and mind are screaming at me and I can't breathe. I must endure. I wont lie to you, tho. Its not easy.
I'm learning that acceptance comes in layers. Its like something like this is so big, so huge that if my brain had to comprehend it all at once, I would not be able to bear the weight and go absolutely stark raving mad, so acceptance comes a little bit at a time. It sounds silly, I know, but at least for me, that's the way it has been. I guess in some way, a still fight the acceptance. As if by doing so, I can will him back to life. I don't know. All I know is right now I miss him more than usual. That familiar scream just at the back of my throat has returned. The scream that just wants to scream at everyone and everything. The scream that thinks if it could just be loud enough all of this would dissapear like a bad dream and I would wake up and get Ike up from his nap and go on like nothing ever happened. This sucks. Its been almost 7 months, but at times it feels like yesterday. It is physical too. A physical pain that is hard to really describe. Its unlike any other physical pain that I have ever experienced. Like in school when you fell from the monkey bars onto your back and for a split second every part of your body hurt and your breathing changed its rhythm. I don't know if that makes sense, but that is what I have felt all day. I don't know. Maybe I'm just repeating myself over and over, but that's what I said I would do in my very first entry. I just want to be through this. I just want to be better, ya know? To feel this way is very hard for me. I miss Ike. I miss Ike. I miss Ike. I miss Ike. I miss Ike.I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired period. Its not pretty. This whole thing. Some say acceptance is the easiest step. I think they are lying. It is definitely the hardest. To accept that he is gone is almost unbearable. To accept that I will not wake up from this pisses me off. To accept that I sat in a hospital bed for a month, so very very sick only to find him the way I found him, frankly fills me with rage sometimes. And I'm not going to lie, to accept God's providence in the midst of all of this is hard too. I need Him to get through this is one piece. I need Him to keep me focused so that I don't lose it. But there are so many other ways I am struggling right now, that I just want to, and often have, looked up at Him and said "Really? You really want me to deal with this too? You really want me to trust that this is going to make me better? Couldn't there be a better time for this to happen, cause right now really doesn't work for me." And everytime I am tempted to give up, He reminds of His promises for those that endure. But, in an effort to be real and raw, I must confess that sometimes, like a petulant child, I cross my arms and say "I don't want to endure. Enduring is stupid." I am so glad that God knows my heart. He knows (just as I do) that I must endure. Even in times like this, when my body and mind are screaming at me and I can't breathe. I must endure. I wont lie to you, tho. Its not easy.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
I don't really have a title for this one....
Tonight's blog comes from a melancholy, bittersweet place. I am not sure which emotion accurately describes what the last two days have been like. On some level I am relieved to be on the other side of Christmas this year. A part of me wishes I could go back in time to last Christmas when I was 7 months pregnant and the season was so full of hope, expectation and excitement. A part of me is still in shock that I am about to type these words.... all of me is grateful to have made it through without the presence of our 9 month old little boy. I wish I could say I made it through a better, stronger person. A person who feels closer to my Savior than ever before. A person who feels like I can take on the biggest, scariest dragon and defeat it with my bare hands. The truth is, I coming to the end of this Christmas season bloodied, bruised and in desperate pain; crying out to the Lord for some sort of relief. I am not a mighty warrior princess who is standing over her conquest with great delight. I am crawling on my hands and knees, broken and unsure of everything. BUT, I am through it. And I am alive.
To say that I am hopeful right now would be a lie. I have experienced a range of emotions in the last two days. Probably more than most people experience in a year. And now, after it's all said and done, and after I really and truly did make it through what I thought was going to be unbearable, I am left with only one; curiosity. I am curious to see how things will now begin to workout; how the Lord is going to completely heal my fractured mind that replays the events of that morning over and over. I am curious as to how He will resurrect our lives and restore to us all that has been stolen. His Word promises these things, and despite what my feelings or logic or "emotional processing" might tell me, I believe those promises. I am not in denial, I know how things look, but I want to know how things really are, if that makes sense. I want to know what God sees right now. How does He see me? What are His thoughts on how I've handled the last 6 months? What does He expect from me going forward? I am also curious as to how long is this dark cloud going to last? When will I feel better for good? How is He going to turn this around? Initially my next question was going to be, "Can things be turned around?". I deleted that question because I already know the answer. Yes, they can. Even though I my emotions may say otherwise, I know too much to not know the truth behind the answer to that question.
My cursor is blinking at me as if to say, "Okay, what next?" I think that maybe in my heart of hearts, I may be asking the Lord that same question. "What next Lord? Where do I go from here?" And, I really don't know what is next. I don't know what to expect. Even as I type, I don't know the next sentence. Maybe this is what acceptance looks like. I don't know. What I do know is that Christ was born to be my Saviour and I need my Heavenly Father to make it through life no matter what season of my life I'm in. Anything beyond that, I do not have an answer. But, as I said, I am curious.
To say that I am hopeful right now would be a lie. I have experienced a range of emotions in the last two days. Probably more than most people experience in a year. And now, after it's all said and done, and after I really and truly did make it through what I thought was going to be unbearable, I am left with only one; curiosity. I am curious to see how things will now begin to workout; how the Lord is going to completely heal my fractured mind that replays the events of that morning over and over. I am curious as to how He will resurrect our lives and restore to us all that has been stolen. His Word promises these things, and despite what my feelings or logic or "emotional processing" might tell me, I believe those promises. I am not in denial, I know how things look, but I want to know how things really are, if that makes sense. I want to know what God sees right now. How does He see me? What are His thoughts on how I've handled the last 6 months? What does He expect from me going forward? I am also curious as to how long is this dark cloud going to last? When will I feel better for good? How is He going to turn this around? Initially my next question was going to be, "Can things be turned around?". I deleted that question because I already know the answer. Yes, they can. Even though I my emotions may say otherwise, I know too much to not know the truth behind the answer to that question.
My cursor is blinking at me as if to say, "Okay, what next?" I think that maybe in my heart of hearts, I may be asking the Lord that same question. "What next Lord? Where do I go from here?" And, I really don't know what is next. I don't know what to expect. Even as I type, I don't know the next sentence. Maybe this is what acceptance looks like. I don't know. What I do know is that Christ was born to be my Saviour and I need my Heavenly Father to make it through life no matter what season of my life I'm in. Anything beyond that, I do not have an answer. But, as I said, I am curious.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
A New Season
I suppose since this is the 6 month marker of my sweet boy's passing and 2011 is knocking, an entry would be appropriate. I'm not sure of what I'm supposed to say, so I'm just going to rely on the Lord to give me the words as I type. Please excuse me if I am all over the place.
This year, as you know, has sucked. I'm not going to lie. It has sucked. I never ever wish to repeat it, ever. As long as I live. There are many things that have happened that I have not blogged about and that only one or two people know of. Yesterday, had you asked me, I would have said that this year, my life caved in on me. But today I heard Beth Moore say something that I think more accurately describes the year. This year is the year my theology merged with my reality. For a few years now, I've been talking the talk of a good a faithful God. A God that will come through for us no matter what the situation might be. I've read my Scriptures, gone to church and done Bible studies like a good little "Sister Christian". But February 16 turned my life upside down and made me look more closely and objectively at the walking part. And just when I thought I had it down, June 7 came and woke me up to the truth about how I was doing.
For the past 6 months I have tried to bring a face to the grieving mother of a SIDS death. The taboo subject that literally makes people cringe and even some feel as if they need to protect their children from me. I am sure I am not the only mother that has experienced this type of tragedy to feel this way. My goal has been to give people in my situation hope, and someone to relate to. I also wanted to give the friends and family members of the grieving mom an insight to her struggle that is not readily available while you are in the middle of a storm like this. I'm not sure if I've been completely successful at either, but I pray that somehow, someway, I've accomplished those goals, at least in part... See there I go off on a rabbit trail...
Back to my theology meeting my reality. As I've said, I talked a really good talk, and really and truly thought I had the goods to back it up. And maybe I did for where I was on my walk with Him. What I've learned is that I had no clue. No clue, whatsoever. I am just now discovering the depths of Him. Of His faithfulness. Of what He can do. Of what He does do. My theology was that God is good and righteous and wonderful and was there for me no matter what may come. Before June 7, my reality was entitlement. I am a Christian, therefore I am entitled to such and such. Whenever pain or difficulty came I thought, wait, I am a Christian. I am not supposed to suffer. I'm not supposed to know this side of life. Now, 6 months later, my theology is still the same, but my reality is changing. Now I am learning that His promises are the same in the season of life where everything was going my way as they are when it seemes as if my world is crumbling around me. I am beginning to know that He does not change. I still struggle with entitlement. But one day the Lord asked me, "Would you rather (insert the name of a very very dear friend of mine, which for her sake, I will not do) go through this?" That got me to thinking and frankly rocked my world. Now I can't say that I fully grasp what He meant by that, but I do know that I would not have wished this on anyone. What that question has come to mean to me for the time being, is that He really does have it all worked out already. He had it worked out before it ever happened. Over and over He has said to me, "Amy, just endure. Don't be a hero (which of course made me start singing the Billy Don't be a Hero song, but thats a whole other blog). Just endure. I have it worked out, just endure." Now the type A personality that I have of course led me to look up the word "endure". One definition goes like this: to regard with acceptance or tolerance. And because I see pictures in my head for definitions, I just see a woman rocking back and forth in the same spot, waiting for the pain to pass. She's not moving, shes not fixing, she's rocking back and forth, crying in agony, waiting for the storm to pass. Now I believe that sometimes that is all God expects of his children. Just to rock back and forth, crying out to Him. In fact I would venture to say that when that kind of pain comes around that is what He wants us to do. Hit our knees. Why? Because that is the place of prayer. That is the place of submission. That is the place when we think we are are our weakest and His Word says that in our weakness His strength is made perfect. And because of that, that is really the most powerful place on earth. I had to accept and I still have to accept many times a day that the pain is there. It is real. It is beginning to dull, but it still leaves me breathless. But as long as I get on my knees, rock back and forth and cry out to Him, it is not going to overtake me.
Thank you for reading my words. Thank you for allowing me to get this out and being patient when its hard to follow. You have no idea how much you help me.
Blessings, my friends! Til next time :)
This year, as you know, has sucked. I'm not going to lie. It has sucked. I never ever wish to repeat it, ever. As long as I live. There are many things that have happened that I have not blogged about and that only one or two people know of. Yesterday, had you asked me, I would have said that this year, my life caved in on me. But today I heard Beth Moore say something that I think more accurately describes the year. This year is the year my theology merged with my reality. For a few years now, I've been talking the talk of a good a faithful God. A God that will come through for us no matter what the situation might be. I've read my Scriptures, gone to church and done Bible studies like a good little "Sister Christian". But February 16 turned my life upside down and made me look more closely and objectively at the walking part. And just when I thought I had it down, June 7 came and woke me up to the truth about how I was doing.
For the past 6 months I have tried to bring a face to the grieving mother of a SIDS death. The taboo subject that literally makes people cringe and even some feel as if they need to protect their children from me. I am sure I am not the only mother that has experienced this type of tragedy to feel this way. My goal has been to give people in my situation hope, and someone to relate to. I also wanted to give the friends and family members of the grieving mom an insight to her struggle that is not readily available while you are in the middle of a storm like this. I'm not sure if I've been completely successful at either, but I pray that somehow, someway, I've accomplished those goals, at least in part... See there I go off on a rabbit trail...
Back to my theology meeting my reality. As I've said, I talked a really good talk, and really and truly thought I had the goods to back it up. And maybe I did for where I was on my walk with Him. What I've learned is that I had no clue. No clue, whatsoever. I am just now discovering the depths of Him. Of His faithfulness. Of what He can do. Of what He does do. My theology was that God is good and righteous and wonderful and was there for me no matter what may come. Before June 7, my reality was entitlement. I am a Christian, therefore I am entitled to such and such. Whenever pain or difficulty came I thought, wait, I am a Christian. I am not supposed to suffer. I'm not supposed to know this side of life. Now, 6 months later, my theology is still the same, but my reality is changing. Now I am learning that His promises are the same in the season of life where everything was going my way as they are when it seemes as if my world is crumbling around me. I am beginning to know that He does not change. I still struggle with entitlement. But one day the Lord asked me, "Would you rather (insert the name of a very very dear friend of mine, which for her sake, I will not do) go through this?" That got me to thinking and frankly rocked my world. Now I can't say that I fully grasp what He meant by that, but I do know that I would not have wished this on anyone. What that question has come to mean to me for the time being, is that He really does have it all worked out already. He had it worked out before it ever happened. Over and over He has said to me, "Amy, just endure. Don't be a hero (which of course made me start singing the Billy Don't be a Hero song, but thats a whole other blog). Just endure. I have it worked out, just endure." Now the type A personality that I have of course led me to look up the word "endure". One definition goes like this: to regard with acceptance or tolerance. And because I see pictures in my head for definitions, I just see a woman rocking back and forth in the same spot, waiting for the pain to pass. She's not moving, shes not fixing, she's rocking back and forth, crying in agony, waiting for the storm to pass. Now I believe that sometimes that is all God expects of his children. Just to rock back and forth, crying out to Him. In fact I would venture to say that when that kind of pain comes around that is what He wants us to do. Hit our knees. Why? Because that is the place of prayer. That is the place of submission. That is the place when we think we are are our weakest and His Word says that in our weakness His strength is made perfect. And because of that, that is really the most powerful place on earth. I had to accept and I still have to accept many times a day that the pain is there. It is real. It is beginning to dull, but it still leaves me breathless. But as long as I get on my knees, rock back and forth and cry out to Him, it is not going to overtake me.
Thank you for reading my words. Thank you for allowing me to get this out and being patient when its hard to follow. You have no idea how much you help me.
Blessings, my friends! Til next time :)
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