I have been very emotional today. I've just felt like laying in my bed and crying all day. I miss Ike so much right now, I don't know what else to do. In some weird way, I don't want this year to be over. Its been horrific, but I feel like with the end of 2010, I will have to accept that he is really and truly gone. I mean I've known that he is, but I have to do it again, in a different way.
I'm learning that acceptance comes in layers. Its like something like this is so big, so huge that if my brain had to comprehend it all at once, I would not be able to bear the weight and go absolutely stark raving mad, so acceptance comes a little bit at a time. It sounds silly, I know, but at least for me, that's the way it has been. I guess in some way, a still fight the acceptance. As if by doing so, I can will him back to life. I don't know. All I know is right now I miss him more than usual. That familiar scream just at the back of my throat has returned. The scream that just wants to scream at everyone and everything. The scream that thinks if it could just be loud enough all of this would dissapear like a bad dream and I would wake up and get Ike up from his nap and go on like nothing ever happened. This sucks. Its been almost 7 months, but at times it feels like yesterday. It is physical too. A physical pain that is hard to really describe. Its unlike any other physical pain that I have ever experienced. Like in school when you fell from the monkey bars onto your back and for a split second every part of your body hurt and your breathing changed its rhythm. I don't know if that makes sense, but that is what I have felt all day. I don't know. Maybe I'm just repeating myself over and over, but that's what I said I would do in my very first entry. I just want to be through this. I just want to be better, ya know? To feel this way is very hard for me. I miss Ike. I miss Ike. I miss Ike. I miss Ike. I miss Ike.I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired period. Its not pretty. This whole thing. Some say acceptance is the easiest step. I think they are lying. It is definitely the hardest. To accept that he is gone is almost unbearable. To accept that I will not wake up from this pisses me off. To accept that I sat in a hospital bed for a month, so very very sick only to find him the way I found him, frankly fills me with rage sometimes. And I'm not going to lie, to accept God's providence in the midst of all of this is hard too. I need Him to get through this is one piece. I need Him to keep me focused so that I don't lose it. But there are so many other ways I am struggling right now, that I just want to, and often have, looked up at Him and said "Really? You really want me to deal with this too? You really want me to trust that this is going to make me better? Couldn't there be a better time for this to happen, cause right now really doesn't work for me." And everytime I am tempted to give up, He reminds of His promises for those that endure. But, in an effort to be real and raw, I must confess that sometimes, like a petulant child, I cross my arms and say "I don't want to endure. Enduring is stupid." I am so glad that God knows my heart. He knows (just as I do) that I must endure. Even in times like this, when my body and mind are screaming at me and I can't breathe. I must endure. I wont lie to you, tho. Its not easy.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
I don't really have a title for this one....
Tonight's blog comes from a melancholy, bittersweet place. I am not sure which emotion accurately describes what the last two days have been like. On some level I am relieved to be on the other side of Christmas this year. A part of me wishes I could go back in time to last Christmas when I was 7 months pregnant and the season was so full of hope, expectation and excitement. A part of me is still in shock that I am about to type these words.... all of me is grateful to have made it through without the presence of our 9 month old little boy. I wish I could say I made it through a better, stronger person. A person who feels closer to my Savior than ever before. A person who feels like I can take on the biggest, scariest dragon and defeat it with my bare hands. The truth is, I coming to the end of this Christmas season bloodied, bruised and in desperate pain; crying out to the Lord for some sort of relief. I am not a mighty warrior princess who is standing over her conquest with great delight. I am crawling on my hands and knees, broken and unsure of everything. BUT, I am through it. And I am alive.
To say that I am hopeful right now would be a lie. I have experienced a range of emotions in the last two days. Probably more than most people experience in a year. And now, after it's all said and done, and after I really and truly did make it through what I thought was going to be unbearable, I am left with only one; curiosity. I am curious to see how things will now begin to workout; how the Lord is going to completely heal my fractured mind that replays the events of that morning over and over. I am curious as to how He will resurrect our lives and restore to us all that has been stolen. His Word promises these things, and despite what my feelings or logic or "emotional processing" might tell me, I believe those promises. I am not in denial, I know how things look, but I want to know how things really are, if that makes sense. I want to know what God sees right now. How does He see me? What are His thoughts on how I've handled the last 6 months? What does He expect from me going forward? I am also curious as to how long is this dark cloud going to last? When will I feel better for good? How is He going to turn this around? Initially my next question was going to be, "Can things be turned around?". I deleted that question because I already know the answer. Yes, they can. Even though I my emotions may say otherwise, I know too much to not know the truth behind the answer to that question.
My cursor is blinking at me as if to say, "Okay, what next?" I think that maybe in my heart of hearts, I may be asking the Lord that same question. "What next Lord? Where do I go from here?" And, I really don't know what is next. I don't know what to expect. Even as I type, I don't know the next sentence. Maybe this is what acceptance looks like. I don't know. What I do know is that Christ was born to be my Saviour and I need my Heavenly Father to make it through life no matter what season of my life I'm in. Anything beyond that, I do not have an answer. But, as I said, I am curious.
To say that I am hopeful right now would be a lie. I have experienced a range of emotions in the last two days. Probably more than most people experience in a year. And now, after it's all said and done, and after I really and truly did make it through what I thought was going to be unbearable, I am left with only one; curiosity. I am curious to see how things will now begin to workout; how the Lord is going to completely heal my fractured mind that replays the events of that morning over and over. I am curious as to how He will resurrect our lives and restore to us all that has been stolen. His Word promises these things, and despite what my feelings or logic or "emotional processing" might tell me, I believe those promises. I am not in denial, I know how things look, but I want to know how things really are, if that makes sense. I want to know what God sees right now. How does He see me? What are His thoughts on how I've handled the last 6 months? What does He expect from me going forward? I am also curious as to how long is this dark cloud going to last? When will I feel better for good? How is He going to turn this around? Initially my next question was going to be, "Can things be turned around?". I deleted that question because I already know the answer. Yes, they can. Even though I my emotions may say otherwise, I know too much to not know the truth behind the answer to that question.
My cursor is blinking at me as if to say, "Okay, what next?" I think that maybe in my heart of hearts, I may be asking the Lord that same question. "What next Lord? Where do I go from here?" And, I really don't know what is next. I don't know what to expect. Even as I type, I don't know the next sentence. Maybe this is what acceptance looks like. I don't know. What I do know is that Christ was born to be my Saviour and I need my Heavenly Father to make it through life no matter what season of my life I'm in. Anything beyond that, I do not have an answer. But, as I said, I am curious.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
A New Season
I suppose since this is the 6 month marker of my sweet boy's passing and 2011 is knocking, an entry would be appropriate. I'm not sure of what I'm supposed to say, so I'm just going to rely on the Lord to give me the words as I type. Please excuse me if I am all over the place.
This year, as you know, has sucked. I'm not going to lie. It has sucked. I never ever wish to repeat it, ever. As long as I live. There are many things that have happened that I have not blogged about and that only one or two people know of. Yesterday, had you asked me, I would have said that this year, my life caved in on me. But today I heard Beth Moore say something that I think more accurately describes the year. This year is the year my theology merged with my reality. For a few years now, I've been talking the talk of a good a faithful God. A God that will come through for us no matter what the situation might be. I've read my Scriptures, gone to church and done Bible studies like a good little "Sister Christian". But February 16 turned my life upside down and made me look more closely and objectively at the walking part. And just when I thought I had it down, June 7 came and woke me up to the truth about how I was doing.
For the past 6 months I have tried to bring a face to the grieving mother of a SIDS death. The taboo subject that literally makes people cringe and even some feel as if they need to protect their children from me. I am sure I am not the only mother that has experienced this type of tragedy to feel this way. My goal has been to give people in my situation hope, and someone to relate to. I also wanted to give the friends and family members of the grieving mom an insight to her struggle that is not readily available while you are in the middle of a storm like this. I'm not sure if I've been completely successful at either, but I pray that somehow, someway, I've accomplished those goals, at least in part... See there I go off on a rabbit trail...
Back to my theology meeting my reality. As I've said, I talked a really good talk, and really and truly thought I had the goods to back it up. And maybe I did for where I was on my walk with Him. What I've learned is that I had no clue. No clue, whatsoever. I am just now discovering the depths of Him. Of His faithfulness. Of what He can do. Of what He does do. My theology was that God is good and righteous and wonderful and was there for me no matter what may come. Before June 7, my reality was entitlement. I am a Christian, therefore I am entitled to such and such. Whenever pain or difficulty came I thought, wait, I am a Christian. I am not supposed to suffer. I'm not supposed to know this side of life. Now, 6 months later, my theology is still the same, but my reality is changing. Now I am learning that His promises are the same in the season of life where everything was going my way as they are when it seemes as if my world is crumbling around me. I am beginning to know that He does not change. I still struggle with entitlement. But one day the Lord asked me, "Would you rather (insert the name of a very very dear friend of mine, which for her sake, I will not do) go through this?" That got me to thinking and frankly rocked my world. Now I can't say that I fully grasp what He meant by that, but I do know that I would not have wished this on anyone. What that question has come to mean to me for the time being, is that He really does have it all worked out already. He had it worked out before it ever happened. Over and over He has said to me, "Amy, just endure. Don't be a hero (which of course made me start singing the Billy Don't be a Hero song, but thats a whole other blog). Just endure. I have it worked out, just endure." Now the type A personality that I have of course led me to look up the word "endure". One definition goes like this: to regard with acceptance or tolerance. And because I see pictures in my head for definitions, I just see a woman rocking back and forth in the same spot, waiting for the pain to pass. She's not moving, shes not fixing, she's rocking back and forth, crying in agony, waiting for the storm to pass. Now I believe that sometimes that is all God expects of his children. Just to rock back and forth, crying out to Him. In fact I would venture to say that when that kind of pain comes around that is what He wants us to do. Hit our knees. Why? Because that is the place of prayer. That is the place of submission. That is the place when we think we are are our weakest and His Word says that in our weakness His strength is made perfect. And because of that, that is really the most powerful place on earth. I had to accept and I still have to accept many times a day that the pain is there. It is real. It is beginning to dull, but it still leaves me breathless. But as long as I get on my knees, rock back and forth and cry out to Him, it is not going to overtake me.
Thank you for reading my words. Thank you for allowing me to get this out and being patient when its hard to follow. You have no idea how much you help me.
Blessings, my friends! Til next time :)
This year, as you know, has sucked. I'm not going to lie. It has sucked. I never ever wish to repeat it, ever. As long as I live. There are many things that have happened that I have not blogged about and that only one or two people know of. Yesterday, had you asked me, I would have said that this year, my life caved in on me. But today I heard Beth Moore say something that I think more accurately describes the year. This year is the year my theology merged with my reality. For a few years now, I've been talking the talk of a good a faithful God. A God that will come through for us no matter what the situation might be. I've read my Scriptures, gone to church and done Bible studies like a good little "Sister Christian". But February 16 turned my life upside down and made me look more closely and objectively at the walking part. And just when I thought I had it down, June 7 came and woke me up to the truth about how I was doing.
For the past 6 months I have tried to bring a face to the grieving mother of a SIDS death. The taboo subject that literally makes people cringe and even some feel as if they need to protect their children from me. I am sure I am not the only mother that has experienced this type of tragedy to feel this way. My goal has been to give people in my situation hope, and someone to relate to. I also wanted to give the friends and family members of the grieving mom an insight to her struggle that is not readily available while you are in the middle of a storm like this. I'm not sure if I've been completely successful at either, but I pray that somehow, someway, I've accomplished those goals, at least in part... See there I go off on a rabbit trail...
Back to my theology meeting my reality. As I've said, I talked a really good talk, and really and truly thought I had the goods to back it up. And maybe I did for where I was on my walk with Him. What I've learned is that I had no clue. No clue, whatsoever. I am just now discovering the depths of Him. Of His faithfulness. Of what He can do. Of what He does do. My theology was that God is good and righteous and wonderful and was there for me no matter what may come. Before June 7, my reality was entitlement. I am a Christian, therefore I am entitled to such and such. Whenever pain or difficulty came I thought, wait, I am a Christian. I am not supposed to suffer. I'm not supposed to know this side of life. Now, 6 months later, my theology is still the same, but my reality is changing. Now I am learning that His promises are the same in the season of life where everything was going my way as they are when it seemes as if my world is crumbling around me. I am beginning to know that He does not change. I still struggle with entitlement. But one day the Lord asked me, "Would you rather (insert the name of a very very dear friend of mine, which for her sake, I will not do) go through this?" That got me to thinking and frankly rocked my world. Now I can't say that I fully grasp what He meant by that, but I do know that I would not have wished this on anyone. What that question has come to mean to me for the time being, is that He really does have it all worked out already. He had it worked out before it ever happened. Over and over He has said to me, "Amy, just endure. Don't be a hero (which of course made me start singing the Billy Don't be a Hero song, but thats a whole other blog). Just endure. I have it worked out, just endure." Now the type A personality that I have of course led me to look up the word "endure". One definition goes like this: to regard with acceptance or tolerance. And because I see pictures in my head for definitions, I just see a woman rocking back and forth in the same spot, waiting for the pain to pass. She's not moving, shes not fixing, she's rocking back and forth, crying in agony, waiting for the storm to pass. Now I believe that sometimes that is all God expects of his children. Just to rock back and forth, crying out to Him. In fact I would venture to say that when that kind of pain comes around that is what He wants us to do. Hit our knees. Why? Because that is the place of prayer. That is the place of submission. That is the place when we think we are are our weakest and His Word says that in our weakness His strength is made perfect. And because of that, that is really the most powerful place on earth. I had to accept and I still have to accept many times a day that the pain is there. It is real. It is beginning to dull, but it still leaves me breathless. But as long as I get on my knees, rock back and forth and cry out to Him, it is not going to overtake me.
Thank you for reading my words. Thank you for allowing me to get this out and being patient when its hard to follow. You have no idea how much you help me.
Blessings, my friends! Til next time :)
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