Since the passing of my son, many people have surprised me in their words and actions. For the most part people have been very supportive. Some were not right out of the gate. And then some were supportive for a little bit only then to come back and do and say some very hurtful and many times even cruel things. Why am I telling you this? For this reason: I have learned that it is very important in choosing the people who are in your inner circle of friends. And it is very easy to get caught up in all the praise and "ooh's and ahh's" of those around you. I do. Don't get me wrong, I love people. I love people so much that I want to spend my life helping and serving and setting people free of the lies of the enemy. I think the biggest reason why we hurt each other so badly is because we are hurt ourselves. In the Name of Jesus, I want God to use me to heal everyone who will allow Him and me to touch their lives in that way. But I'm learning that it is important that the right perspective is maintained. Getting too caught up in one person or in a group of people is not fruitful. It only breeds complication. The Word instructs us to guard our hearts. To not perform for the praises of man, but for the glory of God. Why is that? Why is that made so clear to us? Because humans, in all their wonderfulness and beauty, can be fickle. It is with sadness that I admit my own tendency toward "fickleness". And we are going to let each other down. Not maliciously and most of the time not even intentionally, but we are. When I get to wrapped up in what people think of me, and get let down, I take it very personally. It breaks my heart when people tell me that they can no loner have anything to do with me. I automatically begin to think that there is something wrong with me. That is not what God wants for me. He wants me to be rooted in Him, not public opinion. Public opinion changes from day to day, mistake to mistake. He does not.
Here's the other thing I am learning. The enemy uses those we love the most to hurt us. I know that because of my own insecurities and strongholds, he has used me to hurt others. I am sure that I do not even know the extent of the damage I have done to some people, albeit unwittingly, but the damage is done, nonetheless. I am learning that finding my origin, my center, my security in the Lord is really and truly the only way to stay emotionally and mentally stable. It's hard for me to do that. To focus on that. I love people so much. I love to be with others. I love to fellowship. I am a sanguine personality. The quintessential social butterfly. And being around people helps me fight off the lonliness that has come with Ike's passing. But, I am learning that no matter how hard it may be to deny my natural tendency in this area, it is vital that I do.
Finally, sometimes God calls us out of relationship with friends that we love so much. Of the things I've mentioned here, this has been the hardest. I have had to let go of some very dear friends of mine to pursue Him. Why does He do that? Well, what the Lord has shown me is my loyalty and love for those persons are actually keeping me from digging deeper in Him. From knowing Him better and from allowing Him to get into the darkest regions of my heart and heal me. Now if that is true for everyone, I do not know. All I can tell you is what He has told me.
I want feel like I should say this, if you have people in your life that say they are your friends, but are consistantly bringing you down, or you never know what to expect from them, take that to the Lord. The Lord wants His people to be joyful, secure, stable, productive individuals. He does take it personal when someone messes with us or tries to make us feel less than what we are. It is absolutely okay to draw a boundary with those who are speaking negatively about you or to you. Just because someone says you are this or that, doesn't mean you are. Many times the things that people try to call you out for really reflect how they feel about themselves. When something about you needs to be changed or worked on, the Lord will send someone into your life that will take you by the hand and lovingly walk through that change with you. If you have someone wagging their finger in your face or just wakes up and decides one day that you are no longer friends, I guarantee that is not of God and it is not God's desire that the dynamics of that relationship stay the same. Above all, listen to the still small voice within you. Don't ignore it because you afaid of what others might think of you or anything else. I am learning He really can be trusted. That He really will never ever lead you astray.
As always, thank you for reading my words. Until next time, be blessed. <3
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Glory Refreshed
So, over the last couple of months I have felt myself go through the despair cycle all over again. Only this time, more intense than I could have ever thought. Its an awful feeling. A feeling so consuming and frightening that desperation sets in. I can understand why people do some of the things they do after such a trauma. It is out of desperation to feel better, to get out of despair. Without the Lord guiding me (even when I thought He wasn't) I am sure that I, too, would have gone down Desperation Road. I know I was tempted several times to just give up and admit defeat. Praise be to Jesus that His hand is stronger than my will.
I prayed so often to feel better. For the Lord to give me something, anything, to hang onto. To take away the pain. To take away the doubt. To make my Scentsy business explode. To give Josh a new job. To give me a new job. A new car. To give me a reason to get myself together and be stronger. I prayed for every single new shiny thing I could think of to ignite excitement and get me motivated to happily get out of bed and look forward to the day. Now, don't misunderstand me. I love my children, all of them. Ike does not mean more to me than any of my other wonderful beautiful children. But despair like the kind that took hold of me is blinding. It is crippling. It made me forget about everything except the downward spiral I was heading into. And so I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed. Everytime some new opportunity presented itself, I got hopeful. Then it didn't happen and then I would sink further into my despair. And, as usual, it was "God, why are you doing this to me? Why can't I have what I want? I'm doing the best I can with all of this, why can't I have what I want?" Then a couple of days ago, while in my car (I call it me and God's office), I heard an answer. It came through a song that was playing on the radio. Its a new-ish song and I think its by Tenth Avenue North, but I could be wrong. It starts out "Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you if there's a God who loves you, where is he now?" Now I've listened to that song a million times, but this time I actually HEARD it. In the last part of the song it goes "Once you feel the weight of Glory, all your pain will fade to memories." It was like a lightening bolt hit me. I had never stopped and actually asked Him to show me His glory. He spoke to me and said, "You need my Glory, my love". It was that simple. I've asked for everything under the sun. For His power, for His strength, for His insight, for His grace and as I said, for every shiny new toy I could think of. But it is His Glory that eases pain like that. It is the Glory of God that enables us to have all the things (spiritual and temporal) I have listed. It is because of His Glory that we are afforded grace. And Grace gives us power and strength and wisdom and then the temporal things we love so much. It all starts with His Glory. Now, I am a Word of God person. When I discover a truth like that I go straight to the Word and make sure what I am hearing lines up with what He has already spoken. There are so many verses dedicated to the glory of God, I could not get through them all. Psalm 19:1 is a good one, but look at Isaiah (ironically, or maybe not :)) 35:1-2
The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, 2 it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God.
"The desert and the parched land will be glad, the wilderness will rejoice..."... Why? Because God will show His glory and cause it to "burst into bloom". But what makes a desertland become an oasis? What brings us to Him and revives our weary bodies? God's grace, right? Well, how does He show His grace? Through His glory. We have to know the glory that He possesses. Watching Him work things out for His glory is what draws us to Him.
This is what I have learned. Although, my prayers were earnest and heartfelt, they came from a place of fear. A place of desperation. What I needed and still need is to see His glory. And because He is a gentleman, He will not force it upon me. He was waiting for me to ask Him. Everything else stems from that. Everything stems from the Glory of God.
I don't know why I felt the need to blog this and forgive me if it sounds as if I think I've figured it out. I am not naive enough to think that I am done learning this concept. I have learned and will continue to learn that, anything I need is first found in knowing and seeing God's glory. And just the little I have seen in the last few days has eased the pain and allowed me to regain some peace.
So, Lord, my prayer is that you show me Your glory. Show me what you are all about. Help me put my earthly desires aside and look for You and Your awesome glory. Help me soak it all in and overflow with it. In Jesus Name, Amen.
I prayed so often to feel better. For the Lord to give me something, anything, to hang onto. To take away the pain. To take away the doubt. To make my Scentsy business explode. To give Josh a new job. To give me a new job. A new car. To give me a reason to get myself together and be stronger. I prayed for every single new shiny thing I could think of to ignite excitement and get me motivated to happily get out of bed and look forward to the day. Now, don't misunderstand me. I love my children, all of them. Ike does not mean more to me than any of my other wonderful beautiful children. But despair like the kind that took hold of me is blinding. It is crippling. It made me forget about everything except the downward spiral I was heading into. And so I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed. Everytime some new opportunity presented itself, I got hopeful. Then it didn't happen and then I would sink further into my despair. And, as usual, it was "God, why are you doing this to me? Why can't I have what I want? I'm doing the best I can with all of this, why can't I have what I want?" Then a couple of days ago, while in my car (I call it me and God's office), I heard an answer. It came through a song that was playing on the radio. Its a new-ish song and I think its by Tenth Avenue North, but I could be wrong. It starts out "Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you if there's a God who loves you, where is he now?" Now I've listened to that song a million times, but this time I actually HEARD it. In the last part of the song it goes "Once you feel the weight of Glory, all your pain will fade to memories." It was like a lightening bolt hit me. I had never stopped and actually asked Him to show me His glory. He spoke to me and said, "You need my Glory, my love". It was that simple. I've asked for everything under the sun. For His power, for His strength, for His insight, for His grace and as I said, for every shiny new toy I could think of. But it is His Glory that eases pain like that. It is the Glory of God that enables us to have all the things (spiritual and temporal) I have listed. It is because of His Glory that we are afforded grace. And Grace gives us power and strength and wisdom and then the temporal things we love so much. It all starts with His Glory. Now, I am a Word of God person. When I discover a truth like that I go straight to the Word and make sure what I am hearing lines up with what He has already spoken. There are so many verses dedicated to the glory of God, I could not get through them all. Psalm 19:1 is a good one, but look at Isaiah (ironically, or maybe not :)) 35:1-2
The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, 2 it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God.
"The desert and the parched land will be glad, the wilderness will rejoice..."... Why? Because God will show His glory and cause it to "burst into bloom". But what makes a desertland become an oasis? What brings us to Him and revives our weary bodies? God's grace, right? Well, how does He show His grace? Through His glory. We have to know the glory that He possesses. Watching Him work things out for His glory is what draws us to Him.
This is what I have learned. Although, my prayers were earnest and heartfelt, they came from a place of fear. A place of desperation. What I needed and still need is to see His glory. And because He is a gentleman, He will not force it upon me. He was waiting for me to ask Him. Everything else stems from that. Everything stems from the Glory of God.
I don't know why I felt the need to blog this and forgive me if it sounds as if I think I've figured it out. I am not naive enough to think that I am done learning this concept. I have learned and will continue to learn that, anything I need is first found in knowing and seeing God's glory. And just the little I have seen in the last few days has eased the pain and allowed me to regain some peace.
So, Lord, my prayer is that you show me Your glory. Show me what you are all about. Help me put my earthly desires aside and look for You and Your awesome glory. Help me soak it all in and overflow with it. In Jesus Name, Amen.
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