So, I've been having a particularly rough day and could not figure out why my emotions have been so tender all day. Then I realized, on this day last year, when he was 5 days old, I held Ike for the first time. Isn't funny how the body remembers things that the mind doesn't right off the bat? I mean about an hour after I woke up this morning, I have been fighting off waves of anger and sadness and it never crossed my mind what this day was for me. I am coming to find out that it is possible to experience many different emotions all at once and NOT explode. there are so many new possibilities in my life right now and in the lives of my family. I could not be more excited about our future than I am right now. Which is why, at first, I could not put my finger on why I was having these waves hit me so hard today. As I'm blogging I'm realizing that I am also so very sad (and angry, to be honest) that after everything we went through to get him here, he is not here now. I think about how I longed to hold him for the first four days of his life and then how much hope and promise we had for him and how I long to hold him now. Then I think about the fact that I cannot change what has happened (besides it's only temporary) and then look at the limitless possibilities before us today. It's all very confusing and exhausting, really. And the fact that my body remembered this day and would not let me get out of letting my soul grieve is causing emotions of gratitude and frustration. Frustration because I want so badly to be "out of the cycle" but grateful because the cycle provides healing if you allow it to---well--- cycle. I'm sure you that are reading this do not find this thought process as profound as I. In fact, I am confident that if you are still reading this, you are probably scratching your head at me. I would be. I guess I am trying to sort through all of it because it is such a new concept to me; the fact that you can be sad and melancholy AND hopeful and excited all at the same time. And that neither one has any bearing on the other. The thing I'm learning is that it is all okay, as long as I let the waves come in and go out instead of come in and stay. It's not as black and white as I thought it would be. Well, as I thought it always was. I miss my son so much and am so affected by his presence and subsequent absence, that even my body knows when I need to just sit down and pay attention to myself and when I am not doing so adequately. At the same time, I am so excited about what is ahead of us that I want to get up and go after it when my self no longer needs as much attention. And it's okay if it doesn't make sense right now. At some point it will, and even if it never does, God is bigger than all of it and will use both sides of the emotinal spectrum to drive me further into my destiny.
Okay, you may now stop scratching your heads and continue with what you were doing. :)
As always, thank you for reading my words (okay, lets face it, ramblings). Be blessed <3
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
I almost began this post like this: "The month of February has not been an easy one..." Then I thought, maybe I am becoming a little redundant. So I deleted it. Thank goodness for the backspace button. It helps me keep my thoughts straight. Well, most of the time, anyhow.
It seems like most of my life I've been waiting for the magic day. The day that everything turns around and stays that way for good. It's pretty idealistic, I know. And it's taken the last few months for me to realize that that day doesn't exist. I have learned that I have what I've titled a Cinderella complex. I've also learned that for me, it doesn't mean I'm waiting on a Prince Charming. I have my man. And he's wonderful. For me the complex comes in the form of a moment. You know, the moment when the slipper fit Cinderella and her whole life changed and she lived happily ever after? Well, that's what my Cinderella complex looks like. I'm waiting for a moment. A moment that means there will never be another hard day for the rest of my life. When I can just sit back in my palace and look out of my window onto rolling green hills and a perfectly balmy 79 degree day, while ladies in waiting brushing my shimmering long hair all day. But, see here's the thing. I don't know what happened to Cinderella after she rode off into the sunset to begin the rest of her life with her wonderful man. I assume that everything was perfect, but I don't know that. And even if it was, Cinderella is a movie. A beautifully woven story. It is not life. Life is not two dementional. But it doesn't mean that all hope is lost. It doesn't mean that I have to live in fear everyday. In fact I am assured that the life in this world is hard. But I am also assured that the One in whom I reside has overcome the world. So when the world is hard, I can be confident in the fact that He has overcome, and because I am in Him, I can be confident that I have too. I wish I could give you the visual picture I have in my head right now. I will do my best to describe it. You have a paper bag. Now put an orange in it. Now without removing the orange from the bag, try to take it into another room without bringing the orange along. It's impossible, right? So, (now forgive me for comparing the Lord to a paper bag, but it is the picture in my head) I'm thinking that that is much how it works for those who are in Christ. Christ is the bag that surrounds us. He has said that He haas overcome everything, even death. Just as the orange goes where the bag goes, so do we go where He does. There is not anything that we face that we cannot overcome, because He has already overcome everything. Now, I know its very easy for me to say. But, to be honest, I was just in my room sprawled out on my bed bawling my eyes out. In fact, all of these posts are born from a moment very similar to the one I had about 20 minutes ago. What I'm learning is that I have emotions (okay, I already knew that), but those emotions can sometimes cause me to forget that I am in Him. I'm learning that the trick to all of this is to acknowledge and give validation to the emotional part of me---- after all, God created me as an emotional human being (probably one of the most emotional ones)---- but not give them more power than they really have. To feel them, but to push through them. To not let them blind me to the fact that I have overcome, even this.
I am also learning that looking for the magic day is fruitless. This is a process. There will never be a magic day. But I can still live in my palace. I may not have the ladies in waiting, or the shimmering hair or the perfectly balmy days. Honestly tho, who I am kidding? I would go stark raving mad from cabin fever and boredom. I've never been one for monotony, anyhow. The process is the fun part of life. Granted some moments are less fun than others, but it is those less fun moments that let the fun ones be SUPER fun.
And finally, who needs a glass slipper? My butterfingers would probably break it anyway. I have something better. I have the Savior. He is not fragile. He will never break or get lost under piles of clothes. I don't need two of them. So, yeah, He's wayy better than a slipper.
As always, thank you for reading. Blessings. <3
It seems like most of my life I've been waiting for the magic day. The day that everything turns around and stays that way for good. It's pretty idealistic, I know. And it's taken the last few months for me to realize that that day doesn't exist. I have learned that I have what I've titled a Cinderella complex. I've also learned that for me, it doesn't mean I'm waiting on a Prince Charming. I have my man. And he's wonderful. For me the complex comes in the form of a moment. You know, the moment when the slipper fit Cinderella and her whole life changed and she lived happily ever after? Well, that's what my Cinderella complex looks like. I'm waiting for a moment. A moment that means there will never be another hard day for the rest of my life. When I can just sit back in my palace and look out of my window onto rolling green hills and a perfectly balmy 79 degree day, while ladies in waiting brushing my shimmering long hair all day. But, see here's the thing. I don't know what happened to Cinderella after she rode off into the sunset to begin the rest of her life with her wonderful man. I assume that everything was perfect, but I don't know that. And even if it was, Cinderella is a movie. A beautifully woven story. It is not life. Life is not two dementional. But it doesn't mean that all hope is lost. It doesn't mean that I have to live in fear everyday. In fact I am assured that the life in this world is hard. But I am also assured that the One in whom I reside has overcome the world. So when the world is hard, I can be confident in the fact that He has overcome, and because I am in Him, I can be confident that I have too. I wish I could give you the visual picture I have in my head right now. I will do my best to describe it. You have a paper bag. Now put an orange in it. Now without removing the orange from the bag, try to take it into another room without bringing the orange along. It's impossible, right? So, (now forgive me for comparing the Lord to a paper bag, but it is the picture in my head) I'm thinking that that is much how it works for those who are in Christ. Christ is the bag that surrounds us. He has said that He haas overcome everything, even death. Just as the orange goes where the bag goes, so do we go where He does. There is not anything that we face that we cannot overcome, because He has already overcome everything. Now, I know its very easy for me to say. But, to be honest, I was just in my room sprawled out on my bed bawling my eyes out. In fact, all of these posts are born from a moment very similar to the one I had about 20 minutes ago. What I'm learning is that I have emotions (okay, I already knew that), but those emotions can sometimes cause me to forget that I am in Him. I'm learning that the trick to all of this is to acknowledge and give validation to the emotional part of me---- after all, God created me as an emotional human being (probably one of the most emotional ones)---- but not give them more power than they really have. To feel them, but to push through them. To not let them blind me to the fact that I have overcome, even this.
I am also learning that looking for the magic day is fruitless. This is a process. There will never be a magic day. But I can still live in my palace. I may not have the ladies in waiting, or the shimmering hair or the perfectly balmy days. Honestly tho, who I am kidding? I would go stark raving mad from cabin fever and boredom. I've never been one for monotony, anyhow. The process is the fun part of life. Granted some moments are less fun than others, but it is those less fun moments that let the fun ones be SUPER fun.
And finally, who needs a glass slipper? My butterfingers would probably break it anyway. I have something better. I have the Savior. He is not fragile. He will never break or get lost under piles of clothes. I don't need two of them. So, yeah, He's wayy better than a slipper.
As always, thank you for reading. Blessings. <3
Thursday, January 27, 2011
New Lessons
Since the passing of my son, many people have surprised me in their words and actions. For the most part people have been very supportive. Some were not right out of the gate. And then some were supportive for a little bit only then to come back and do and say some very hurtful and many times even cruel things. Why am I telling you this? For this reason: I have learned that it is very important in choosing the people who are in your inner circle of friends. And it is very easy to get caught up in all the praise and "ooh's and ahh's" of those around you. I do. Don't get me wrong, I love people. I love people so much that I want to spend my life helping and serving and setting people free of the lies of the enemy. I think the biggest reason why we hurt each other so badly is because we are hurt ourselves. In the Name of Jesus, I want God to use me to heal everyone who will allow Him and me to touch their lives in that way. But I'm learning that it is important that the right perspective is maintained. Getting too caught up in one person or in a group of people is not fruitful. It only breeds complication. The Word instructs us to guard our hearts. To not perform for the praises of man, but for the glory of God. Why is that? Why is that made so clear to us? Because humans, in all their wonderfulness and beauty, can be fickle. It is with sadness that I admit my own tendency toward "fickleness". And we are going to let each other down. Not maliciously and most of the time not even intentionally, but we are. When I get to wrapped up in what people think of me, and get let down, I take it very personally. It breaks my heart when people tell me that they can no loner have anything to do with me. I automatically begin to think that there is something wrong with me. That is not what God wants for me. He wants me to be rooted in Him, not public opinion. Public opinion changes from day to day, mistake to mistake. He does not.
Here's the other thing I am learning. The enemy uses those we love the most to hurt us. I know that because of my own insecurities and strongholds, he has used me to hurt others. I am sure that I do not even know the extent of the damage I have done to some people, albeit unwittingly, but the damage is done, nonetheless. I am learning that finding my origin, my center, my security in the Lord is really and truly the only way to stay emotionally and mentally stable. It's hard for me to do that. To focus on that. I love people so much. I love to be with others. I love to fellowship. I am a sanguine personality. The quintessential social butterfly. And being around people helps me fight off the lonliness that has come with Ike's passing. But, I am learning that no matter how hard it may be to deny my natural tendency in this area, it is vital that I do.
Finally, sometimes God calls us out of relationship with friends that we love so much. Of the things I've mentioned here, this has been the hardest. I have had to let go of some very dear friends of mine to pursue Him. Why does He do that? Well, what the Lord has shown me is my loyalty and love for those persons are actually keeping me from digging deeper in Him. From knowing Him better and from allowing Him to get into the darkest regions of my heart and heal me. Now if that is true for everyone, I do not know. All I can tell you is what He has told me.
I want feel like I should say this, if you have people in your life that say they are your friends, but are consistantly bringing you down, or you never know what to expect from them, take that to the Lord. The Lord wants His people to be joyful, secure, stable, productive individuals. He does take it personal when someone messes with us or tries to make us feel less than what we are. It is absolutely okay to draw a boundary with those who are speaking negatively about you or to you. Just because someone says you are this or that, doesn't mean you are. Many times the things that people try to call you out for really reflect how they feel about themselves. When something about you needs to be changed or worked on, the Lord will send someone into your life that will take you by the hand and lovingly walk through that change with you. If you have someone wagging their finger in your face or just wakes up and decides one day that you are no longer friends, I guarantee that is not of God and it is not God's desire that the dynamics of that relationship stay the same. Above all, listen to the still small voice within you. Don't ignore it because you afaid of what others might think of you or anything else. I am learning He really can be trusted. That He really will never ever lead you astray.
As always, thank you for reading my words. Until next time, be blessed. <3
Here's the other thing I am learning. The enemy uses those we love the most to hurt us. I know that because of my own insecurities and strongholds, he has used me to hurt others. I am sure that I do not even know the extent of the damage I have done to some people, albeit unwittingly, but the damage is done, nonetheless. I am learning that finding my origin, my center, my security in the Lord is really and truly the only way to stay emotionally and mentally stable. It's hard for me to do that. To focus on that. I love people so much. I love to be with others. I love to fellowship. I am a sanguine personality. The quintessential social butterfly. And being around people helps me fight off the lonliness that has come with Ike's passing. But, I am learning that no matter how hard it may be to deny my natural tendency in this area, it is vital that I do.
Finally, sometimes God calls us out of relationship with friends that we love so much. Of the things I've mentioned here, this has been the hardest. I have had to let go of some very dear friends of mine to pursue Him. Why does He do that? Well, what the Lord has shown me is my loyalty and love for those persons are actually keeping me from digging deeper in Him. From knowing Him better and from allowing Him to get into the darkest regions of my heart and heal me. Now if that is true for everyone, I do not know. All I can tell you is what He has told me.
I want feel like I should say this, if you have people in your life that say they are your friends, but are consistantly bringing you down, or you never know what to expect from them, take that to the Lord. The Lord wants His people to be joyful, secure, stable, productive individuals. He does take it personal when someone messes with us or tries to make us feel less than what we are. It is absolutely okay to draw a boundary with those who are speaking negatively about you or to you. Just because someone says you are this or that, doesn't mean you are. Many times the things that people try to call you out for really reflect how they feel about themselves. When something about you needs to be changed or worked on, the Lord will send someone into your life that will take you by the hand and lovingly walk through that change with you. If you have someone wagging their finger in your face or just wakes up and decides one day that you are no longer friends, I guarantee that is not of God and it is not God's desire that the dynamics of that relationship stay the same. Above all, listen to the still small voice within you. Don't ignore it because you afaid of what others might think of you or anything else. I am learning He really can be trusted. That He really will never ever lead you astray.
As always, thank you for reading my words. Until next time, be blessed. <3
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Glory Refreshed
So, over the last couple of months I have felt myself go through the despair cycle all over again. Only this time, more intense than I could have ever thought. Its an awful feeling. A feeling so consuming and frightening that desperation sets in. I can understand why people do some of the things they do after such a trauma. It is out of desperation to feel better, to get out of despair. Without the Lord guiding me (even when I thought He wasn't) I am sure that I, too, would have gone down Desperation Road. I know I was tempted several times to just give up and admit defeat. Praise be to Jesus that His hand is stronger than my will.
I prayed so often to feel better. For the Lord to give me something, anything, to hang onto. To take away the pain. To take away the doubt. To make my Scentsy business explode. To give Josh a new job. To give me a new job. A new car. To give me a reason to get myself together and be stronger. I prayed for every single new shiny thing I could think of to ignite excitement and get me motivated to happily get out of bed and look forward to the day. Now, don't misunderstand me. I love my children, all of them. Ike does not mean more to me than any of my other wonderful beautiful children. But despair like the kind that took hold of me is blinding. It is crippling. It made me forget about everything except the downward spiral I was heading into. And so I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed. Everytime some new opportunity presented itself, I got hopeful. Then it didn't happen and then I would sink further into my despair. And, as usual, it was "God, why are you doing this to me? Why can't I have what I want? I'm doing the best I can with all of this, why can't I have what I want?" Then a couple of days ago, while in my car (I call it me and God's office), I heard an answer. It came through a song that was playing on the radio. Its a new-ish song and I think its by Tenth Avenue North, but I could be wrong. It starts out "Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you if there's a God who loves you, where is he now?" Now I've listened to that song a million times, but this time I actually HEARD it. In the last part of the song it goes "Once you feel the weight of Glory, all your pain will fade to memories." It was like a lightening bolt hit me. I had never stopped and actually asked Him to show me His glory. He spoke to me and said, "You need my Glory, my love". It was that simple. I've asked for everything under the sun. For His power, for His strength, for His insight, for His grace and as I said, for every shiny new toy I could think of. But it is His Glory that eases pain like that. It is the Glory of God that enables us to have all the things (spiritual and temporal) I have listed. It is because of His Glory that we are afforded grace. And Grace gives us power and strength and wisdom and then the temporal things we love so much. It all starts with His Glory. Now, I am a Word of God person. When I discover a truth like that I go straight to the Word and make sure what I am hearing lines up with what He has already spoken. There are so many verses dedicated to the glory of God, I could not get through them all. Psalm 19:1 is a good one, but look at Isaiah (ironically, or maybe not :)) 35:1-2
The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, 2 it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God.
"The desert and the parched land will be glad, the wilderness will rejoice..."... Why? Because God will show His glory and cause it to "burst into bloom". But what makes a desertland become an oasis? What brings us to Him and revives our weary bodies? God's grace, right? Well, how does He show His grace? Through His glory. We have to know the glory that He possesses. Watching Him work things out for His glory is what draws us to Him.
This is what I have learned. Although, my prayers were earnest and heartfelt, they came from a place of fear. A place of desperation. What I needed and still need is to see His glory. And because He is a gentleman, He will not force it upon me. He was waiting for me to ask Him. Everything else stems from that. Everything stems from the Glory of God.
I don't know why I felt the need to blog this and forgive me if it sounds as if I think I've figured it out. I am not naive enough to think that I am done learning this concept. I have learned and will continue to learn that, anything I need is first found in knowing and seeing God's glory. And just the little I have seen in the last few days has eased the pain and allowed me to regain some peace.
So, Lord, my prayer is that you show me Your glory. Show me what you are all about. Help me put my earthly desires aside and look for You and Your awesome glory. Help me soak it all in and overflow with it. In Jesus Name, Amen.
I prayed so often to feel better. For the Lord to give me something, anything, to hang onto. To take away the pain. To take away the doubt. To make my Scentsy business explode. To give Josh a new job. To give me a new job. A new car. To give me a reason to get myself together and be stronger. I prayed for every single new shiny thing I could think of to ignite excitement and get me motivated to happily get out of bed and look forward to the day. Now, don't misunderstand me. I love my children, all of them. Ike does not mean more to me than any of my other wonderful beautiful children. But despair like the kind that took hold of me is blinding. It is crippling. It made me forget about everything except the downward spiral I was heading into. And so I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed. Everytime some new opportunity presented itself, I got hopeful. Then it didn't happen and then I would sink further into my despair. And, as usual, it was "God, why are you doing this to me? Why can't I have what I want? I'm doing the best I can with all of this, why can't I have what I want?" Then a couple of days ago, while in my car (I call it me and God's office), I heard an answer. It came through a song that was playing on the radio. Its a new-ish song and I think its by Tenth Avenue North, but I could be wrong. It starts out "Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you if there's a God who loves you, where is he now?" Now I've listened to that song a million times, but this time I actually HEARD it. In the last part of the song it goes "Once you feel the weight of Glory, all your pain will fade to memories." It was like a lightening bolt hit me. I had never stopped and actually asked Him to show me His glory. He spoke to me and said, "You need my Glory, my love". It was that simple. I've asked for everything under the sun. For His power, for His strength, for His insight, for His grace and as I said, for every shiny new toy I could think of. But it is His Glory that eases pain like that. It is the Glory of God that enables us to have all the things (spiritual and temporal) I have listed. It is because of His Glory that we are afforded grace. And Grace gives us power and strength and wisdom and then the temporal things we love so much. It all starts with His Glory. Now, I am a Word of God person. When I discover a truth like that I go straight to the Word and make sure what I am hearing lines up with what He has already spoken. There are so many verses dedicated to the glory of God, I could not get through them all. Psalm 19:1 is a good one, but look at Isaiah (ironically, or maybe not :)) 35:1-2
The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, 2 it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God.
"The desert and the parched land will be glad, the wilderness will rejoice..."... Why? Because God will show His glory and cause it to "burst into bloom". But what makes a desertland become an oasis? What brings us to Him and revives our weary bodies? God's grace, right? Well, how does He show His grace? Through His glory. We have to know the glory that He possesses. Watching Him work things out for His glory is what draws us to Him.
This is what I have learned. Although, my prayers were earnest and heartfelt, they came from a place of fear. A place of desperation. What I needed and still need is to see His glory. And because He is a gentleman, He will not force it upon me. He was waiting for me to ask Him. Everything else stems from that. Everything stems from the Glory of God.
I don't know why I felt the need to blog this and forgive me if it sounds as if I think I've figured it out. I am not naive enough to think that I am done learning this concept. I have learned and will continue to learn that, anything I need is first found in knowing and seeing God's glory. And just the little I have seen in the last few days has eased the pain and allowed me to regain some peace.
So, Lord, my prayer is that you show me Your glory. Show me what you are all about. Help me put my earthly desires aside and look for You and Your awesome glory. Help me soak it all in and overflow with it. In Jesus Name, Amen.
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