So, I've been having a particularly rough day and could not figure out why my emotions have been so tender all day. Then I realized, on this day last year, when he was 5 days old, I held Ike for the first time. Isn't funny how the body remembers things that the mind doesn't right off the bat? I mean about an hour after I woke up this morning, I have been fighting off waves of anger and sadness and it never crossed my mind what this day was for me. I am coming to find out that it is possible to experience many different emotions all at once and NOT explode. there are so many new possibilities in my life right now and in the lives of my family. I could not be more excited about our future than I am right now. Which is why, at first, I could not put my finger on why I was having these waves hit me so hard today. As I'm blogging I'm realizing that I am also so very sad (and angry, to be honest) that after everything we went through to get him here, he is not here now. I think about how I longed to hold him for the first four days of his life and then how much hope and promise we had for him and how I long to hold him now. Then I think about the fact that I cannot change what has happened (besides it's only temporary) and then look at the limitless possibilities before us today. It's all very confusing and exhausting, really. And the fact that my body remembered this day and would not let me get out of letting my soul grieve is causing emotions of gratitude and frustration. Frustration because I want so badly to be "out of the cycle" but grateful because the cycle provides healing if you allow it to---well--- cycle. I'm sure you that are reading this do not find this thought process as profound as I. In fact, I am confident that if you are still reading this, you are probably scratching your head at me. I would be. I guess I am trying to sort through all of it because it is such a new concept to me; the fact that you can be sad and melancholy AND hopeful and excited all at the same time. And that neither one has any bearing on the other. The thing I'm learning is that it is all okay, as long as I let the waves come in and go out instead of come in and stay. It's not as black and white as I thought it would be. Well, as I thought it always was. I miss my son so much and am so affected by his presence and subsequent absence, that even my body knows when I need to just sit down and pay attention to myself and when I am not doing so adequately. At the same time, I am so excited about what is ahead of us that I want to get up and go after it when my self no longer needs as much attention. And it's okay if it doesn't make sense right now. At some point it will, and even if it never does, God is bigger than all of it and will use both sides of the emotinal spectrum to drive me further into my destiny.
Okay, you may now stop scratching your heads and continue with what you were doing. :)
As always, thank you for reading my words (okay, lets face it, ramblings). Be blessed <3
No comments:
Post a Comment