Well, it is official... My butt is kicked. I am tired and weak and at this point really feeling like I have had the crap kicked out of me. I am clinging to the Word... "For I know the plans I have for you, for hope and a future." (paraphrased); "I am more than a conqueror through Christ that gives me strength."; "The Lord will fight for you and you shall keep your peace."
Well, it seems this post is going to take a very different turn... In my last post, I asked the question, which at the time I thought was rhetorical, "How did this become my life?". I have come to realize that altho' I thought I was just venting, maybe that question is truly THE question that I need to answer... How did this become my life? Well, folks, the ugly truth is, I let it. Of course, losing Ike was something I had no control over, but everything else that I have faced in my adult life are a culmination of a lot of really bad choices that I have made. I have been saying "well, if so and so would do such and such, then I would not do this or that." I have been lying to myself. The truth is, I have been using the betrayal that I've felt from others as a get out of jail free card for my own poor choices and bad behavior. I have been justifying my unwillingness to let those who love me really and truly be there for me. I have expected certain people to never let me down. And when they do, I let myself become a victim to their stuff. I have blamed and shamed and pointed fingers, always blind to the three that have been pointing back at me all along. I have given my power away.
Hmmm... this is not an easy thing to admit in a public forum, but I feel the Lord has called me to this blog "for such a time as this". So, here it is y'all. The good the bad and the ugly. Now I must go into my "secret closet" and let the Lord fill the empty place that this admission has left. Until next time... Blessings, my friends.
Love you, old friend! My prayers for you and your sweet little family haven't stopped.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you're finding an outlet!!
~LOTS OF HUGS~
My dear sweet Amy - you are my hero and I love you in so many ways and for so many things. My words cannot take the place of your loss. And while I am not good at trying to 'find ways' to make anyone feel better at a time of loss, I am here to listen, to hold your hand, to laugh, to cry, to love. Luken & I pray for you & your family. Anytime, my friend. Anytime.
ReplyDeleteOh my sweet Amy... Do your words have some truth or what! Really makes one think about themselves- as a self examination. See- I feel the same way too- I believe that in most cases / situations in our lif- we have control and it is our decisions and choices that determine the outcomes. Thank you for being so open to share what is on your heart. I LOVE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY SOOOOO MUCH!!! I'm not saying thi just to say it- I AM HERE FOR YOU ANYTIME... day or night... Keep your head up... I know you feel empty- but yo are doing the right thing, youleft God fill that emptiness in you, thats what He wants to do...
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