A New New

Its been a while since my last post, but there has been so much healing since then. I posted on my FB status that I am amazed at how quickly God works when He sets out to heal his beloved. I have learned that I have to really and truly allow Him to search my heart and break some stuff off. Sometimes the "breaking of the stuff" hurts so much it seems as though crazy comes knocking, but oh the joy when its finally off! I have spent the last few months feeling very detached from Him. At the worse possible time, too. As I look back tho, I see Him in every step. I want to say this... at the end of this post I have included just a very short snapshot of the morning of Ike's death for one purpose only. Until now, except to just a few people, the details of that morning have remained under wraps. I am only revealing some of them now to give you an idea of what I mean when I say that God really and truly does heal people's minds of horrific events and images. There is nothing too big for Him.
I am not sure what is different from now and even a week and a half ago, but something has drastically changed. So drastically in fact, that I have asked myself, my therapist and the Lord whether this is difference is real or just an illusion. I am nearly off of all anti-anxiety meds and have found this feeling of hope unlike anything I have ever experienced. I know what I am made of now. I know for certain that NOTHING can seperate me from the love of God. Not even the most devastating of circumstances. I am truly my Father's beloved child.
I won't lie, there were times that I thought I was surely going to die of despair and sorrow. That God had somehow forgotten me in my most desperate hour. I was angry- no, I was pissed off- at Him. I beat on His chest and demanded that He tell me why. I even thought that maybe He was purposely leaving me, just to see if I would chase Him down. But the truth is, He never left. He held me while I cried. He stood like a rock while I beat Him up and comforted me when I was so weak from the rage I could barely breathe. And He has taught me so much.
The reason there are certain Scripture that is considered to be cliche by some is because they are true. Romans 8:38-40 says: "For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Y'all, I'm here to say its true. I have experienced all of these. Life, death, hell, the unknown, the highest of highs and lowest of lows and everything in between, and guess what; God is STILL awesomer. He loves me no matter where I am. His passion for me superceded the life of His Son. I know what it is like to lose a son. It sucks. Out of all the things I have had to deal with, the death of Ike is easily the most torn up I have ever been. And the closest to crazy I have ever been driven. I think about that and then think, I let my son go because I had to. God gave His, willingly, for me. A sinner. A person who beats on his chest and spat on Him. Someone who questions his authority when things get hard. Jesus never did those things, and yet God still traded Him for me. Grief is hard, and yet God is still there. He is still there. Even when I wanted to push Him so far away from me, I couldn't do it. NOTHING, not the death of my son, or the circumstances surrounding  it, can seperate me from my Father. Nothing. Period. End of story. No matter what my emotions said, He is still here.
There is still so much to say, but I really have to go. I think I will have to break this up into parts. I want to share with you all I've learned because I have determined that that is the purpose for my life. To share with others the truth of God's character and the power of His Word.
So I really don't want to end this post, but I must... just for now.
Be blessed.

I found Ike dead in his crib at five am on June 7th. I went in to wake him up while his bottle was warming. Before he died, he had somehow rolled himself over then passed in his sleep. By the time I went in and rolled him back over, he had been gone for some time. His body had gone into rigor mortis and was swollen and cold. His eyes were closed and his lips were not blue. It took me a couple of days to remember that, but once I did, I  knew he had not suffocated (an autopsy later confirmed that it was SIDS). I was by myself. Josh was out of town and when I went to call 911, my phone battery was dead as well. I spent approximately 15 - 20 minutes giving him CPR while I waited for my phone to charge and then continued with the operator's instructions once I was able to call them. It took them about 10 minutes or so to get to my house.