Ramblings....

Well, it seems life really and truly does move along, even if some days feel like it does so at a snails pace. I have been struggling with a lot of frustration lately. I realized not too long ago that a year ago today we were just about to find out that Ike was on the way. I remember the posting on Facebook... First it was "Its getting time to buy new jeans, only a size smaller" ( I had lost about 20 pounds) and a few hours later I posted "is due in April!!". The response to that post was overwhelming. I think in fact a friend of mine posted that I had officially received the most posted comments she had ever seen... Now here I am one week away from Ike's 6 month birthday and all I have left of him are pictures and a blanket that we call his "friend".  I think back to that girl that was so excited about a new baby on the way and long to hold onto her. To even be her again, sometimes. In reality tho, I can no longer identify with her anymore. Not even remotely.  Thats the hardest part of all of this. I feel as tho I will never be that carefree, silly girl ever again. I have grown up; in ways I never wanted to. Someone said to me not too long ago that there seems to be an ever present sadness to my eyes now. I never wanted to be that person. Those of you who have known me for a long time, know that I can be so bubbly that I'm almost too much to take in sometimes (yes, its okay to agree. I can own that part of me :) ). Those of you who have only seen the last five years of me, and think differently, well all I can say to that is ask the ones who have known me for a long long time and they will tell you. the Lord had healed so many wounds that covered over with a smile in the last five years and that can get really ugly sometimes. Anyhow, I never wanted to be that girl. the girl that has the sadness to her countenance. The girl that cries at the drop of a hat. The girl that emanates a broken heart. I never wanted to be her. The reality is tho, my heart is broken. My eyes do reflect a deep deep sadness. And honestly, it sucks. But its real. I know that joy comes in the morning. I know that God gives beauty for ashes. I know that He can do more than I can ever even imagine and trust I am expecting those things. For now, tho, I feel like I am that girl. I guess thats part of it. Even the Word says that the Lord shows favor upon a contrite spirit and a broken heart. So, it is what it is, I guess.
There are some things that I am coming to appreciate about who I am now. There is an urgency that I have never experienced. An urgency of life. That it slips away so quickly and yet it is wasted so easily. I don't feel the need to have people in my life who either waste my time or theirs. I want only positivity. That is something I have always wanted, but I always thought that it was "Christianly" to have people who are consistently complaining or cynical around and be patient with them. That that was what having grace with others meant. I know now that that was totally wrong thinking. I am free to pick those who are in my circle, not just let anyone and everyone in. And I'm not a bad person if I don't include everyone all of the time. I like that. Its liberating.  Its okay to let the dishes go while I play video games or have a tea party or be silly with my children. If someone comes over unaanounced and sees dirty dishes and gets offended, well they should have called first. Its okay to rest. Its okay to put down the facade and be real.
I have seen, up close and personal, the very essence of life. The vulnerability of it. Its fragility.
I have seen the absolute worst of it. I have tried to breathe life back into existence with my own breath. I have wept my guts out because I could not. And I have buried one of my children and sent him back to Heaven even though he showed no sign before or after his death that his journey here on earth would come to such an abrupt end. I have also seen the beauty of Life. The strength that can be found there. And, even now I can say with all certainty that nothing else matters. I have held my sweet sweet children as they have mourned their brother. I have watched them take care of each other and me in the midst of their grief. I wake up every day and hear them laugh. I hear them minister to other little guys their age. I listen to their stories and watch their faces light up when they make a new friend. I am in awe of life now. I like that too.
Perhaps it is so difficult for those who mourn to say what they need/want to say because there is so much to say. There are so many emotions and they change so rapidly. One minute I'm pissed, then the next I'm content. Contentment can turn into utter despair and utter despair can lead to joy. Sometimes all of these can happen in about five minutes, yet sometimes just one of these can last for days or weeks. Perhaps that is why the friends and families of the mourners don't know what to do or say; so many many times, they don't do or say anything.
Well, I sense that tonight's blog has come to its end. I should probably go to bed. Good night y'all. Be blessed.