Glory Refreshed

So, over the last couple of months I have felt myself go through the despair cycle all over again. Only this time, more intense than I could have ever thought. Its an awful feeling. A feeling so consuming and frightening that desperation sets in. I can understand why people do some of the things they do after such a trauma. It is out of desperation to feel better, to get out of despair. Without the Lord guiding me (even when I thought He wasn't) I am sure that I, too, would have gone down Desperation Road. I know I was tempted several times to just give up and admit defeat. Praise be to Jesus that His hand is stronger than my will.
 I prayed so often to feel better. For the Lord to give me something, anything, to hang onto. To take away the pain. To take away the doubt. To make my Scentsy business explode. To give Josh a new job. To give me a new job. A new car. To give me a reason to get myself together and be stronger. I prayed for every single new shiny thing I could think of to ignite excitement and get me motivated to happily get out of bed and look forward to the day. Now, don't misunderstand me. I love my children, all of them. Ike does not mean more to me than any of my other wonderful beautiful children. But despair like the kind that took hold of me is blinding. It is crippling. It made me forget about everything except the downward spiral I was heading into. And so I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed. Everytime some new opportunity presented itself, I got hopeful. Then it didn't happen and then I would sink further into my despair. And, as usual, it was "God, why are you doing this to me? Why can't I have what I want? I'm doing the best I can with all of this, why can't I have what I want?" Then a couple of days ago, while in my car (I call it me and God's office), I heard an answer. It came through a song that was playing on the radio. Its a new-ish song and I think its by Tenth Avenue North, but I could be wrong. It starts out "Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you if there's a God who loves you, where is he now?" Now I've listened to that song a million times, but this time I actually HEARD it. In the last part of the song it goes "Once you feel the weight of Glory, all your pain will fade to memories." It was like a lightening bolt hit me. I had never stopped and actually asked Him to show me His glory. He spoke to me and said, "You need my Glory, my love". It was that simple. I've asked for everything under the sun. For His power, for His strength, for His insight, for His grace and as I said, for every shiny new toy I could think of. But it is His Glory that eases pain like that. It is the Glory of God that enables us to have all the things (spiritual and temporal) I have listed. It is because of His Glory that we are afforded grace. And Grace gives us power and strength and wisdom and then the temporal things we love so much. It all starts with His Glory. Now, I am a Word of God person. When I discover a truth like that I go straight to the Word and make sure what I am hearing lines up with what He has already spoken. There are so many verses dedicated to the glory of God, I could not get through them all. Psalm 19:1 is a good one, but look at Isaiah (ironically, or maybe not :)) 35:1-2

The desert and the parched land will be glad;
   the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, ² it will burst into bloom;
   it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
   the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
   the splendor of our God.

"The desert and the parched land will be glad, the wilderness will rejoice..."... Why? Because God will show His glory and cause it to "burst into bloom". But what makes a desertland become an oasis? What brings us to Him and revives our weary bodies? God's grace, right? Well, how does He show His grace?  Through His glory. We have to know the glory that He possesses. Watching Him work things out for His glory is what draws us to Him.
This is what I have learned. Although, my prayers were earnest and heartfelt, they came from a place of fear. A place of desperation. What I needed and still need is to see His glory. And because He is a gentleman, He will not force it upon me. He was waiting for me to ask Him. Everything else stems from that. Everything stems from the Glory of God.
I don't know why I felt the need to blog this and forgive me if it sounds as if I think I've figured it out. I am not naive enough to think that I am done learning this concept. I have learned and will continue to learn that, anything I need is first found in knowing and seeing God's glory. And just the little I have seen in the last few days has eased the pain and allowed me to regain some peace.

So, Lord, my prayer is that you show me Your glory. Show me what you are all about. Help me put my earthly desires aside and look for You and Your awesome glory. Help me soak it all in and overflow with it. In Jesus Name, Amen.