Trying out this blog thing

Well, I have decided to jump on the blog bandwagon and see where it takes me. The reason I have started blogging, you ask... Well, I guess it all started 2 months and one week ago when I found my two month old baby boy dead in his crib while my husband was out of town. I am now faced with living life without the absolute bliss of shock and figuring out how to be normal in the most abnormal of circumstances. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me and am careful about using up too many people's time repeating myself over and over. So, blogging it is. I must get this out and it looks like I must say the same things out loud a lot, so we will see if blogging helps. As each day goes by I try harder and harder to find the light, but seem to only find more confusion and despair. Those who know me, know that I have a deep and intense love for God. I say that because at this moment I want to acknowledge that just because I may not be able to find Him, I do know He is there. Right now tho, I seem to be struggling with depression and despair. I am told that it is part of the process and that it will pass, but I want it to pass now. I am not someone who operates well like this. I have thought many many times and especially in the last few days that this cannot possibly be my life now. How did it get here? Why did it come to this? Nothing eases the pain, in fact even breathing serves only to intesify it. How did this become my life? How did this become my life? I don't understand it. I am 28 years old. I'm in the prime of my life right now... This should be a time of celebrations and discovering the real me and raising my children and meeting all kinds of amazing people... Thats is what I should be doing now. Not mourning the loss of a perfectly healthy baby boy. I just keep thinking... "I put him to bed healthy". I know I did. His pediatrician was amazed by his growth (Ike's backstory will just have to wait for another post). June 6 he was a literally bouncing baby boy who was so proud of himself because he could "jump" on my lap. He was cooing and laughing and dare I say winking at me... At two months old he was doing these things. Now he's gone. June 7 I woke up to begin a new life in the worst of nightmares.... How did this happen? Not even the medical examiner knows what happened to him. Its been ruled a SIDS case... So there was nothing in his body that was awry... We didn't miss some secret illness... He just died. How can that be? Oh God, please tell me... How can that be? And now, i am trapped in this box of grief. This tiny tiny box of grief. It is suffocating sometimes. I miss my baby. I want to hold him. I want to see that sweet little wink. I want to smell his hair. I want to hear his sweet little cooes and watch his face go from a look of absolute determination as he prepares to "jumpy jumpy" to one of complete joy once he completes his feat. I didn't know pain like this existed... It is constant and there is never a reprieve. Not even the slightest of dull ache moments. Just pain and pain and pain. I look at my surviving children and think about how much I am failing them because I cannot get myself together. They deserve a whole person and I really want the to be that for them... but the pain cuts me in half. I am looking forward to the acceptance even phase even tho it feels right now like I will never get there. I am looking forward to a happy life. People promise me that there is one after somethng like this... I can't see it, but I will believe them until I can....