Tonight's blog comes from a melancholy, bittersweet place. I am not sure which emotion accurately describes what the last two days have been like. On some level I am relieved to be on the other side of Christmas this year. A part of me wishes I could go back in time to last Christmas when I was 7 months pregnant and the season was so full of hope, expectation and excitement. A part of me is still in shock that I am about to type these words.... all of me is grateful to have made it through without the presence of our 9 month old little boy. I wish I could say I made it through a better, stronger person. A person who feels closer to my Savior than ever before. A person who feels like I can take on the biggest, scariest dragon and defeat it with my bare hands. The truth is, I coming to the end of this Christmas season bloodied, bruised and in desperate pain; crying out to the Lord for some sort of relief. I am not a mighty warrior princess who is standing over her conquest with great delight. I am crawling on my hands and knees, broken and unsure of everything. BUT, I am through it. And I am alive.
To say that I am hopeful right now would be a lie. I have experienced a range of emotions in the last two days. Probably more than most people experience in a year. And now, after it's all said and done, and after I really and truly did make it through what I thought was going to be unbearable, I am left with only one; curiosity. I am curious to see how things will now begin to workout; how the Lord is going to completely heal my fractured mind that replays the events of that morning over and over. I am curious as to how He will resurrect our lives and restore to us all that has been stolen. His Word promises these things, and despite what my feelings or logic or "emotional processing" might tell me, I believe those promises. I am not in denial, I know how things look, but I want to know how things really are, if that makes sense. I want to know what God sees right now. How does He see me? What are His thoughts on how I've handled the last 6 months? What does He expect from me going forward? I am also curious as to how long is this dark cloud going to last? When will I feel better for good? How is He going to turn this around? Initially my next question was going to be, "Can things be turned around?". I deleted that question because I already know the answer. Yes, they can. Even though I my emotions may say otherwise, I know too much to not know the truth behind the answer to that question.
My cursor is blinking at me as if to say, "Okay, what next?" I think that maybe in my heart of hearts, I may be asking the Lord that same question. "What next Lord? Where do I go from here?" And, I really don't know what is next. I don't know what to expect. Even as I type, I don't know the next sentence. Maybe this is what acceptance looks like. I don't know. What I do know is that Christ was born to be my Saviour and I need my Heavenly Father to make it through life no matter what season of my life I'm in. Anything beyond that, I do not have an answer. But, as I said, I am curious.
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