A New Season

I suppose since this is the 6 month marker of my sweet boy's passing and 2011 is knocking, an entry would be appropriate. I'm not sure of what I'm supposed to say, so I'm just going to rely on the Lord to give me the words as I type. Please excuse me if I am all over the place.
This year, as you know, has sucked. I'm not going to lie. It has sucked. I never ever wish to repeat it, ever. As long as I live. There are many things that have happened that I have not blogged about and that only one or two people know of. Yesterday, had you asked me, I would have said that this year, my life caved in on me. But today I heard Beth Moore say something that I think more accurately describes the year. This year is the year my theology merged with my reality. For a few years now, I've been talking the talk of a good a faithful God. A God that will come through for us no matter what the situation might be. I've read my Scriptures, gone to church and done Bible studies like a good little "Sister Christian". But February 16 turned my life upside down and made me look more closely and objectively at the walking part. And just when I thought I had it down, June 7 came and woke me up to the truth about how I was doing.
For the past 6 months I have tried to bring a face to the grieving mother of a SIDS death. The taboo subject that literally makes people cringe and even some feel as if they need to protect their children from me. I am sure I am not the only mother that has experienced this type of tragedy to feel this way. My goal has been to give people in my situation hope, and someone to relate to. I also wanted to give the friends and family members of the grieving mom an insight to her struggle that is not readily available while you are in the middle of a storm like this. I'm not sure if I've been completely successful at either, but I pray that somehow, someway, I've accomplished those goals, at least in part... See there I go off on a rabbit trail...
Back to my theology meeting my reality. As I've said, I talked a really good talk, and really and truly thought I had the goods to back it up. And maybe I did for where I was on my walk with Him. What I've learned is that I had no clue. No clue, whatsoever. I am just now discovering the depths of Him. Of His faithfulness. Of what He can do. Of what He does do. My theology was that God is good and righteous and wonderful and was there for me no matter what may come.  Before June 7, my reality was entitlement. I am a Christian, therefore I am entitled to such and such. Whenever pain or difficulty came I thought, wait, I am a Christian. I am not supposed to suffer. I'm not supposed to know this side of life. Now, 6 months later, my theology is still the same, but my reality is changing. Now I am learning that His promises are the same in the season of life where everything was going my way as they are when it seemes as if my world is crumbling around me. I am beginning to know that He does not change. I still struggle with entitlement. But one day the Lord asked me, "Would you rather (insert the name of a very very dear friend of mine, which for her sake, I will not do) go through this?" That got me to thinking and frankly rocked my world. Now I can't say that I fully grasp what He meant by that, but I do know that I would not have wished this on anyone. What that question has come to mean to me for the time being, is that He really does have it all worked out already. He had it worked out before it ever happened. Over and over He has said to me, "Amy, just endure. Don't be a hero (which of course made me start singing the Billy Don't be a Hero song, but thats a whole other blog). Just endure. I have it worked out, just endure." Now the type A personality that I have of course led me to look up the word "endure". One definition goes like this:   to regard with acceptance or tolerance. And because I see pictures in my head for definitions, I just see a woman rocking back and forth in the same spot, waiting for the pain to pass. She's not moving, shes not fixing, she's rocking back and forth, crying in agony, waiting for the storm to pass. Now I believe that sometimes that is all God expects of his children. Just to rock back and forth, crying out to Him. In fact I would venture to say that when that kind of pain comes around that is what He wants us to do. Hit our knees. Why? Because that is the place of prayer. That is the place of submission. That is the place when we think we are are our weakest and His Word says that in our weakness His strength is made perfect. And because of that, that is really the most powerful place on earth. I had to accept and I still have to accept many times a day that the pain is there. It is real. It is beginning to dull, but it still leaves me breathless. But as long as I get on my knees, rock back and forth and cry out to Him, it is not going to overtake me.
Thank you for reading my words. Thank you for allowing me to get this out and being patient when its hard to follow. You have no idea how much you help me.
Blessings, my friends! Til next time :)