AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I have been very emotional today. I've just felt like laying in my bed and crying all day. I miss Ike so much right now, I don't know what else to do. In some weird way, I don't want this year to be over. Its been horrific, but I feel like with the end of 2010, I will have to accept that he is really and truly gone. I mean  I've known that he is, but I have to do it again, in a different way.
I'm learning that acceptance comes in layers. Its like something like this is so big, so huge that if my brain had to comprehend it all at once, I would not be able to bear the weight and go absolutely stark raving mad, so acceptance comes a little bit at a time. It sounds silly, I know, but at least for me, that's the way it has been. I guess in some way, a still fight the acceptance. As if by doing so, I can will him back to life. I don't know. All I know is right now I miss him more than usual. That familiar scream just at the back of my throat has returned. The scream that just wants to scream at everyone and everything. The scream that thinks if it could just be loud enough all of this would dissapear like a bad dream and I would wake up and get Ike up from his nap and go on like nothing ever happened.  This sucks. Its been almost 7 months, but at times it feels like yesterday. It is physical too. A physical pain that is hard to really describe. Its unlike any other physical pain that I have ever experienced. Like in school when you fell from the monkey bars onto your back and for a split second every part of your body hurt and your breathing changed its rhythm. I don't know if that makes sense, but that is what I have felt all day. I don't know. Maybe I'm just repeating myself over and over, but that's what I said I would do in my very first entry. I just want to be through this. I just want to be better, ya know? To feel this way is very hard for me. I miss Ike. I miss Ike. I miss Ike. I miss Ike. I miss Ike.I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired period. Its not pretty. This whole thing. Some say acceptance is the easiest step. I think they are lying. It is definitely the hardest. To accept that he is gone is almost unbearable. To accept that I will not wake up from this pisses me off. To accept that I sat in a hospital bed for a month, so very very sick only to find him the way I found him, frankly fills me with rage sometimes. And I'm not going to lie, to accept God's providence in the midst of all of this is hard too. I need Him to get through this is one piece. I need Him to keep me focused so that I don't lose it. But there are so many other ways I am struggling right now, that I just want to, and often have, looked up at Him and said "Really? You really want me to deal with this too? You really want me to trust that this is going to make me better? Couldn't there be a better time for this to happen, cause right now really doesn't work for me."  And everytime I am tempted to give up, He reminds of His promises for those that endure. But, in an effort to be real and raw, I must confess that sometimes, like a petulant child, I cross my arms and say "I don't want to endure. Enduring is stupid." I am so glad that God knows my heart. He knows (just as I do) that I must endure. Even in times like this, when my body and mind are screaming at me and I can't breathe. I must endure. I wont lie to you, tho. Its not easy.